


Out Of Control, Out Of Breath

by Miles_Of_Oblivion



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: AU, Angst, Depression, F/M, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-29
Updated: 2013-05-31
Packaged: 2017-12-09 13:28:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 25,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/774747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miles_Of_Oblivion/pseuds/Miles_Of_Oblivion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared's been in love since forever. Maybe that's why everything had always seemed so radiant- full of possibilities and happiness- as he had grown up.That was the reason why love had always felt real to him, breathtaking and true, magical almost. And if chasing a dream, that happens to be the solution to his ADHD, is what might just attract the attention of his long time crush, then so be it.</p><p>Jensen doesn't have the time for shit like love and romance; he stays busy day in and day out. Besides brooding, indulging himself in his obsession with work and straying from anything within a five foot radius of some well demanded rest, his hobbies also include taking down all rival companies till there's nothing left of them. That is, until his parents decide it's time for him to pick a bride. And since he would have to catch the next flight to Dallas without a say in the matter, he might as well follow the trail of a passion he had left behind years ago.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Illumination

Any other time, Jared would have laughed at the absurdity of it all. His nose was running, his violin case was slipping away from his back no matter how hard he pulled at it and he only had his socks on. And oh, he was rushing through a street brimming with busy lives and honking cars- and wow, _that's a black porche-_ gah! he  _so_ didn't have time for this. His lungs were running out of oxygen and it ached  _everywhere_ , but he could barely focus on that right now. Five minutes. He had to get there by five minutes. He pushed through a flock of giggling high school girls, barely dodged a curled up puppy by the check-post, almost got hit by a public bus when he was crossing the road, ran around it with apologies raining out of him and finally rounded the corner-

" There you are, what the hell Jared?!?" Cindy was waiting outside with her arms crossed, just a few feet away from the parking lot. He slowed down once he reached her and couldn't resist the grin that stretched up on his face at the sight of her disapproving scowl.

" Aww, you waited for me? You get brownie points for that, Cindy." He panted as he took a second to give her a tight hug, another to get the freaking front door open and a bunch more to sprint up the stairs of the builiding with the raven hot on his trail.

" You were supposed to get out of there an hour ago. " She hissed at him as they rolled their jackets on the racker upstairs and headed for the glass door on the left that led to the dance studio, " What the hell happened?"

" You know about that humongous crush Gen has on me, right?" he explained and ignored the eye-roll he got in response, continuing instead, " Well, she said I was getting really good at playing the violin and treated me to pastriesafter our lesson was over-  _lots of them_. She took me to this really cool bakery two blocks away that just opened but we had to leave our shoes outside and-"

" Jay, wow there, take a breather will you?" Cindy cut in, grabbing hold of his flailing hands and pinning them back to his sides. " Are you telling me you went along with it? Isn't that sort of like, leading her on? Unless you like her back of-course."

" No way. My heart belongs to-" His dramatic declaration was cut short with a sigh from his friend.

" Misha, I know. Lets not head back to square one, yeah?" She had that oddly defeated, ' _what are we going to do with_ you' look on her. The one he didn't like at all.

He quieted down. They were now huddled up at one corner of the studio. Other participants were swarming around them, seperated into little groups and chatting away, all excited and warmed up. They seemed to fit in like they owned the place and Jared wondered just how far ahead they were, how zoomed in on the idea. He wasn't a tad bit nervous, though. After all, he was good at this, always had been but it felt different doing it this time around.

" You sure are having the time of your life, you know." Cindy's voice was teasing, " You love dancing. And now you get to do it without your parents breathing down your neck. Plus, you're really good at this and you'll probably win the competition too. All of these- just 'cause there's something wrong with you and your head doesn't work right? Screw you, your luck's awesome."

He grinned, " You're missing the real deal. Misha's going to come to the finale. And that's when I-"

" Ew, keep those fantasies of yours to yourself, mister!"

Jared laughed out at that, face brightening and dimples showing. " I was going to say  _' impress'_ him!"

Funny, how times change. They weren't laughing about this yesterday. After Mrs. Ferris had closed their session, he had hurtled his way to Cindy's house and had cried on her shoulder for two hours straight. Then they had cuddled up on the couch, watching  _Home Alone_ and eating caramel crusted popcorn until he gave up and cried on her shoulder some more. Cindy had snapped finally, somewhere in the middle of his crazy bawling, and had dialed Misha from his cell.

_'I'm sure you'll do great, Jay. Do what your therapist asked you to and just focus on that for now. I'll swing by to see the fianle if you want me to, okay?'_

And that had made all the difference in the world. Misha's voice alone had been so reassuring that by the time the other boy had hung up, Jared was practically beaming...and also being yelled at by Cindy but that wasn't important. Misha was. And Misha said he would come to see Jared in the finale. In that case, Jared would have to make sure he gets there. For Misha. Anything for Misha.

Jared first met Mihsa when he came by with his family for dinner at their house. Jared had learned three things that day. Their moms used to be best friends once upon a time, Misha went to the same high school as him and the other boy was very nice to talk to. Of-course he didn't know he was in love back then. Not even the giddy feeling inside, that sprung up whenever they crossed paths in the hallways and Misha stopped to talk to him, could make him realize that.

He hadn't known until a senior, a boy from Misha's class, kissed the other boy in the cafeteria one day. And through the haze of all the whistling and yelling of the other students, Jared had seen Misha kissing the guy back. Rumours had flown then on and it had been so hard to tune them out. It had been even harder to return the smiles that Misha would send his way when he had his boyfriend hanging from one arm. It had hurt and when he had talked to Mrs. Ferris about it, she had confirmed that he was indeed, in love. Well, she had gone with plain, old  _like_ but Jared held no faith in minor words like that.

He was in love with Misha. It was as simple as that.

But as tme passed by like a ticking bomb, he sensed the growing distance between them. Misha hardly came by anymore and the ephemeral conversations in the hallways had been put on hold; Misha had other things going on and Jared had stayed back to give the older boy some space. Besides, he would have just gotten in the way if he had tried to help. From afar, he had seen the levels of ups and downs, all the twists and all the burns, of Misha's life. The tough break-ups that would leave the older boy in misery, the sheer triumphant joy that glowed on his face when they would win a game and finally, graduation when he found the last door to his future. One that took him away but Jared barely found that life-threatening.

He didn't given up on Misha even though the older boy was somewhere far away from San Antonio. He had volunteered for an institution for autistic children, had run the drama club on his own, had collected money for the charity donation hosted by the city hospital, had taken up a part time job at the coffee shop that was five minutes away from his home and had beaten the crap out of Calculus when he had aced the subject, graduating with the biggest smile in the world.

Misha had called him that night, after two years of no contact, congratulating him with the warmest wishes for his future. That was something else in all it's wake. Jared had never thought about what he wanted out of life. He had never really seen a specefic aim ahead of him, not when all that had ever mattered to him was letting Misha know about his undying ( and completely unrequited) love. So it had struck a chord when Mrs. Ferris asked him about his plans for himself. His mind had gone blank, like empty pages of a novel that are meant to find a place in the trash can.

_"You don't want to persue your career in the medical field?"  She leaned back a little to study him intently from across her desk as she waited, her clipboard and pen on her lap._

_He gulped nervously." Well, my parents wanted me to. Ever since I was old enough to play 'doctor' and I sort of went with it. I've never objected to the idea but it's not something I want to get stuck with for the rest of my life. I don't want to make my life out of something i can't relate to. It's not right. It doesn't feel right."_

_She nodded seriously, " I agree. And not just as a person but as your therapist as well. The symptoms that we have lessened to a slight degree, those may increase to some extent if you go through with something like that. And this is a turning point in your life. Whatever you do, it's your decision and you'll have to make the most of it on your own. Now, have you talked to your parents about it?"_

_He smiled slightly, " Yes. Mom took it well. She didn't yell at me or anything. She wanted me to be happy and all other mushy, squishy stuff that I'll be leaving out because they're all...mushy and squishy."  His joking mood died down when she didn't smile- she must be a witch or something. " But my dad got upset. He yelled at me a little, said I didn't take my life seriously and I think I made his blood pressure go high."_

_She nodded, not speaking but silently urging him on. He continued, " My mom talked to him and I gave him my puppy dog eyes- the best one that I've got, the one that even works on you- and he calmed down a bit. We talked about it, about what I wanted to do and what I could do. I told them not to worry, that I'll find something when the time's right."_

_She frowned, brows pulled down. " So you're not doing anything right now? It's been, what, one year since you finished college? You're twenty two, Jared. For God's sake don't put your life on hold. That would just ruin everything we've worked on till now."_

_" It will? I don't feel any different." He shrugged indifferently. " And it's not like I'm not doing anything at all. I'm still working in that coffee shop I told you about and volunteering for the school for autism. And I've even taken up violin lessons."_

_She sighed. " That's great, Jared. But the more you wait for the right time to get started, the more stressed you'll be when it comes. And stress may just be the key for your symptoms to expand, even more than before I'm afarid. Isn't there anything in your life that you want to take up as a lifelong career? Anything you're passionate about?"_

_He drank in the pause like it was worth the sweetest nectar. " I don't know?"_

_" Jared. Work with me here. There has to be something." She was frustrated. Man, he hated when she got like that._

_" I always liked being the class clown and making people laugh."_

_She stared at him blankly. " Please tell me you're not hinting that you want to become a stand-up comedian."_

_He shook his head with a force that had his bangs falling over his eyes. " No. It's what I like to do, that's all. There are tons of things I like to do. I had this friend in college, Cindy, who took me to these dance classes a little away from campus. I really liked that. I loved the break-dancing and hip-hop and you get it, it was cool."_

_" You've never mentioned a 'Cindy' before."  Mrs. Ferris sounded sceptical. " Tell me about her."_

_She definitely knew how to change the subject._

_" Cindy was sorta like my best friend. We met in one of our classes and it just went from there. We're still talking amd hanging out but I think that's going to stop soon. She's going to Dallas to presue her career and we won't be able to keep up with each other when that happens, she'll be way too busy I guess."_

_" And what is she persuing?"_

_" Dancing. We used to love that. We'll always be partnered up and we just_ fit. _We even won all the challenges together."_

_" Sounds like you're missing her."_

_" Yeah, I am. Like I said, she was one of my best friends."_

_" So how do you feel about dancing, Jared? How about taking it up as a career?"_

_He straightened a little, not having expected that. " I haven't thought about it."_

_" Would you hate to take it up and try it out?" she had a strange smile in her voice." Would you be willing to give up this chance now that you have thought about it?"_

_" I guess not. I do love dancing. But what now? It's not like I have it all planned out like Cindy has."_

_" Well, what did Cindy tell you about_ her _plans?"  Mrs. Ferris was smiling now. Not the smile he aimed for with lame jokes ( and he always miserably failed) but a smile more dark and triumphant, something that raked shudders through him._

_" There's this American dance company that's hosting dance classes for a competition in Dallas. They are trying to invite those who are interested in this career and show them the basics. She said she wants to start off from there."_

_Mrs. Ferris leaned forward a bit, eyes glinting and face smoothed out. " Now, like I said before Jared, this is a turning point of your life. Although your inattentiveness have shortened, there's still a possibility of them re-awakening. That would have been the crisis if you had gone along with playing the good old doctor like your parents wanted. From what I could get out of what you just told me, you're much more comfortable and independent when you're dancing with your friend, Cindy. If I've got this right, persuing this passion of yours with the same presence you're most at ease with will get a positive outcome._

_You're going to focus on something you_ want  _to focus on. You're going to have a constant beside you at all times. You'll have less to worry about without all the volunteering and part-time job but I think it's safe if you keep up with the violin lessons in Dallas."_

_" You want me to go to Dallas with Cindy? You want me to leave everything behind?"  His voice was incredulous, filled with disbelief and confusion but he had every right- this wasn't making sense. This was out of the blue._

_" Yes. And I think you've done more than enough over here. Now, it's time for you to do something for yourself. Call your friend, Cindy once you get home and give this a shot. See how it goes."_

_He fell back against his chair. " What if it doesn't go well?"_

_" Then we'll think of something else. As long as I'm here, I promise things are going to work out for you."_

_He gaped at her._

_Her sinister smile ( maybe she wanted it to be warm, no one must have taught her how to do it right ) widened. " Think about it Jared. This might just work."_

_He stood up on shaky legs without a goodbye when she closed their session, walking out of her office with thoughts of broken looks on the childrens' faces and the absence of free coffee and cakes in those early mornings when the sun peeped from under the horizon._

It took about fifteen minutes for the director to show up. From what he told them, the dance classes would be held five days a week excluding saturdays and sundays. There were small details on the rules and the rest was heavily based on the signing up. Participation came with a rather expensive cost, one that Jared could easily pay thanks to a lot of help from the people from his hometown. They were the best. It felt strange to be away from them, to be somewhere else no matter how close Dallas was. It seemed so foreign, unfamiliar and odd, everywhere he looked.

He followed Cindy in a daze, standing beside her and following her steps like he had it recorded in his mind- signing his name, receiving his code, filling in his information twice because he messed up the first paper they handed to him ( he made Cindy ask for the other one), trading that for his membership card. By the end of it, all he wanted was to get back to his empty, rented apartment and sink down into the couch with  _Happy Feet_ playing on the TV and a plate of lasagna, that his mother had packed for him, within his reach.

They stopped to have lunch at a local diner when they were heading back. It was partly empty, only a young couple at one corner and some old men watching the game with half-filled bottles of Sam Adams. Jared looked around as they sat down two-tables away from the couple. A waitress, her smile strained and wry, swung by to take their order. Jared went with fettucini and black coffee and returned to studying the place as Cindy asked for some recommendation.

The couple was bickering when he glanced at them, the girl anyway as she all but spat out at her companion who looked completely at ease. The guy seemed to be absentmindedly feeding her crap because the girl kept getting angrier by the minute.

" Guys like that are total douchebags." Cindy spoke up and he turned to see her eyes glued to the pair as well, " They don't really care about the relationship, just uses it as a medium to entertain themselves. I bet they haven't been seeing each other for more than a month."

He cocked an eyebrow to that. " You mean they're breaking up?"

She sighed, her shoulders slumping. " _Duh_ , Jared. If they were fighting, don't you think the guy would be a little worked up as well? Looks to me like he's letting her down easy."

He flickered his gaze at the pair again and caught the guy handing a handkerchief to the girl who yanked it away from him and dabbed her eyes with it. The guy rolled his eyes and leaned to a side to watch the game over her head. The girl- too busy with fixing her eye make-up and fondling the handkerchief- missed her boyfriend's indifferent gesture. Jared felt a little bad for her.

The guy said something then and the girl's head snapped up at him. She slammed her hands down on the table and threw a series of obscenities at his way before she grabbed her purse, stepped away and stalked off. Both Jared and Cindy watched the scene unfold with an amused half-smile, although Cindy kept cursing the guy under her breath, and then they looked back to find that no one else seemed to be interested in the lover's spat. The waitresses trotted around behind the counter like nothing had happened and the old men never took their eyes away from the TV.

" What an ass." Cindy gritted out sourly and Jared couldn't agree more. The guy was a jerk.

" Did you watch the news yesterday?"

Their eyes shot up to see the same guy taking a chair from the table beside the one they occupied and pulling it to theirs so that he was sitting in the middle. Jared gawked vacantly whilst Cindy glared daggers at him. He ignored them both and stretched his legs up and over the table, hands behind his head.

" There was this giganormous tornado somewhere in south asia. It was pretty cool."

Cindy looked dumbfounded but close to growling but Jared's eyes widened in awe and he found himself speaking without even thinking it through," Really? Like the tsunami in Japan?"

The guy snapped a finger at him, "  _Exactly_. That was a blockbuster hit. Hey, I'm Chad by the way." He shook hands with Jared and then offered it to Cindy.

She let out a scoff, " _Oh, please,_ as if I'll ever let you touch me asshole."

Chad shrugged and pulled his hand away. " You guys new in town? Haven't seen you around here before."

Cindy glowered at him while Jared answered, " Uh, yeah. I'm Jared and this is Cindy. We're here for the classes that this random dance company's hosting for beginners-"

"-And this is none of your business, so just go away if you don't mind." Cindy finished for him, shooting a threatening glance at his way. Jared shrank beneath her eyes, wondering how it went from hating the guy's guts to wanting to know more about the _obviously_ super cool tornado from yesterday's news.

" Oh yeah, I've heard about that. Jensen Ackles is going to be there,right?"

A dream-like trance came over her face in reply to that. " Yep. He's going to be one of the instructors." 

She wasn't going to say more than that, eyes somewhere far away and expression swooning. Both of them stared at her blankly for a brief moment before Jared broke the silence, " Who's Jensen Ackles?"

" He's the head of the Ackles Corporation, the largest software company in Texas. It's the second most successful ERP company in the world." Cindy's tone sank to a low pitch, her body language a mere giveaway of her giddy mirth. " And he's like the hottest guy ever."

" Is  _not_!" Chad hissed out and Jared simply looked insulted.

Cindy made a face at Chad's scowl. " Yeah, he is."

Chad pursed his lips, face drawn into a challenging sneer. " Said who?"

Cindy breathed out a mocking laugh, " Uh, People Weekly?"

Chad snorted. " Yeah? Well, they eat shit. They're just trying to get into his good books"

Cindy narrowed her eyes. " And how do  _you_ know that?"

" I'm his best friend." That came with a casual shrug.

Cindy squawked and Jared's eyes widened a little in admiration. Chad seemed to enjoy the attention with the way he puffed out his chest and stretched, one hand ruffling his hair as a blithe sign of non-chalance. Jared turned to Cindy to see her practically fuming.

" Oh,  _really_? Well, your highness, I suppose you're supposed to be meeting him sometime later today? His flight's going to be landing here pretty soon." Cindy's voice was indignant, frustrated and grating an edge Jared didn't ever want to cross.

Chad shrugged again. " Yeah, 'course. We have a lot of catching up to do."

Cindy made a move to, no doubt, say more but their waitress turned up to set their order down. Chad leered at her as she stepped away to smooth down her dress while Jared fished up his wallet to pay the bill. Cindy settled for glaring down at her plate of caesar.

" How do you know that this  _Jensen Ackles_ is going to be flying here today?" Jared asked her curiously once the waitress left and Cindy ducked her head to hide the pink flush that warmed her cheeks, poking at her salad with her fork.

" Everyone knows." Was all she mumbled for an answer.

" You got the hots for this guy, eh?" Chad taunted, taking a spoonful of fettucini from Jared's plate. Jared was too busy with figuring Cindy out to bother stopping him.

" _Really_? Wow Cindy, you like him?" Of-course Jared was excited. Lots of guys used to ask Cindy out in college and she had turned most of them down. She had standards that even those she went out with couldn't meet completely. Cindy didn't even crush on hollywood actors riding bikes on subway trains and pop-stars all but owning the stage. It was definitely wierd to find her acting like a teenage girl with her first crush over a guy he hadn't even heard of till now.

" Yes. Everyone does." She shot a dirty look at Chad who was busy licking off worcestershire sauce from his fingers. " He, for one, has manners. And he's a complete gentleman. He used to dance before he went with the family business and he was really, really _good_. He could have made himself a legend with moves like the ones he had. He won some pretty hectic competitions back in those days. But now he's at the top of his game, I guess. Plus he's successful, smart,determined and clearly desirable."

" Uh-ha!" Chad and Jared pointed a finger at her simultaneously and she huffed, pulling her plate away from Chad and turning her entire focus on it. Chad seemed just fine with sneaking up noodles from Jared's dish when he would be busy sipping his coffee but tried to get at Cindy's caesar once, only to have his hand slapped away.

None of them spoke a word for the rest of the meal until Cindy grabbed a napkin, cleaned up and pushed away from the table, smiling down at them scornfully. " Well, it was nice to meet you Chad- _"_

 _"_ You too-"

"- _Not_." Chad shut his mouth at the screech but politely let her continue. " And have fun with your new best buddy, Jared. Call me when you've picked up Jensen Ackles from the airport, yeah?" She nodded once- stiff and edgy- before stomping off, leaving them sitting there with an empty cup of coffee and a half eaten plate of fettucini.

They looked at one another before Jared waved over their waitress.

" Can I get a refill?"

                                                                                                                                ---

 

 

Jensen allowed himself a small thrill of satisfaction at the enraged face of Sophia Bush, even throwing her a smirk just to hit the right nerve. She was breathing slowly and he prayed it would lead to some serious case of hyperventilation or seizure, anything to escape the idea of having to leave work, leave  _this_ \- this exhilaration of putting that look on the likes of  _her_. She clearly didn't know who she was dealing with, otherwise she wouldn't have tried to cross _him_. Anyone with a healthy, functioning brain knew how deadly he could be when it came to business. Or well, Ackles Corp. specefically.

" This is far from over, Ackles." She was still talking. Great. What was she, a victim of inferiority complex? He leaned back against the swivel chair, relishing in the soft cushioned splat as he spun around blithely, eyes bored and face uninterested. Everyone else had left the conference room; the only ones remaining were him, his secretary, the she-devil and her P.A.

" Do get out, sweetheart. You're tiring, you know that?" He could be crossing the line- he  _had_ been told repetitively to keep it under control- but the sneer he got in response was  _totally_ worth it. He made sure his trademark smirk was still in place as he casually flickered his eyes to the door and then back at her.

She didn't move for a minute, something he looked over as he kept on spinning with a pen between his thumb and index finger to play with but she got up on her own- rather morosely- and walked out of the conference room with her P.A trotting behind her silently. He halted his movement then, sighing and inclining back when he caught Alona glaring at him.

" Don't even, Al- I'm, I'm  _pissed_ , okay? How dare she even speak the word  _flotation_ in here?" 

She rolled her eyes, one hand on her hip as she leaned to a side. " Seriously, Jensen. You're pissed because of that? What next, I call you a name and you'll throttle me?"

He growled under his breath, sagging forward to rub his hands down his face. " I can't lose control, I _can't_. Not at this point, whatever that was, it was  _not_ for the sake of this company. I've a pretty good idea on how far  _Sophia Bush_ plans to take this, and trust me when I say, it's far enough to get lost in Antarctica. I'm not risking it."

Alona fell back against the wall, her hands tucked behind her. " But I've never seen you lose your cool like that, Jensen. I bet everyone's going to have nightmares tonight."

Jensen glared at her half-heartedly but she ignored that, continuing, " If it's about-"

"-getting married against my will? Leaving work for two months? Going _home_?" Jensen cut in, voice thrashing icyly, " Well, will you look at that, Alona? You know how to use to use that thing you call a brain, after all."

She puffed her cheeks out, brows furrowed but caught the flash of remorse over his countenance before she could retaliate. She cocked her head slightly, curious as she watched him drown in his own misery. Funny, how the confident, cocky, grouchy Jensen Ackles could be reduced to a pathetic whining brat at the mention of marriage.

" You assigned your name as an instructor for some dance classes in Dallas." She took care to keep her tone low and cautious, watching as Jensen tensed. " And before you ask, I _am_  your secretary, you know. There's nothing in this world that you can keep from me. But- wow, Jensen. You're not really over it, are you?"

" Of-course I am. It's just that- I don't think it's going to work, this whole marriage shit. I mean, it's fucked up. And I'm not going there just to see pretty faces, I'm not wasting so much time."

Alona merely raised one perfectly curved eyebrow.

Jensen grunted. " I have to do _something_ when I get there, Alona. I won't survive if I don't. And it's not like it's going to pull me right back to the hilt, I won't let it get to me."

" How about just spending time with your family, Jensen? How about _relaxing_ for a change? God knows, you deserve it!"

Jensen turned to her with an inscruptable look, " Are you serious?"

She pretended to mull it over for a moment before sighing out loud, " You're right. What was I thinking?"

He didn't laugh and the tension didn't leave him either.

" Cliff's been moving the luggage since this morning. He should be here any minute." Jensen sounded wrecked, as though someone had just fed him a dose of poisoned goo. Alona hated to pity him but this was just heartbreaking.

" Your flight's in one hour." What else could she say?

" Mmm..."

" Jensen-"

"- I know. Fine, I'm leaving." He stood up abruptly, grabbed his bag and swung it over one shoulder as he made his way solemnly to the door. Alona followed him, sad to see him so down. He didn't walk out the door, though. Instead he turned to her with no hope in his hollowed eyes.

" Marry me.  _Please._ "

She breathed out heavily at that. His voice was scorched out and burning. Poor guy.

" Don't think my boyfriend would appreciate that, Jensen. Now, get out of here." She opened the door, pushed at him till he obliged and then dragged him all the way to the black Lexus waiting outside. Thankfully everyone had gone home; they would have had nightmares for the rest of their lives if they saw the melodramatic mess their boss was right now.

Jensen didn't spare her a glance as the car pulled out of the parking lot. The drive to the airport was, needless to say, miserable. He watched the colors disappear, flashing aside through his window; his thoughts, all the while, locked on the hell waiting for him and the sheer agony the world was planning to dump on him for the next two months. If Cliff wasn't so good at driving, he could have even let himself hope for an accident with enough force to take him under for two months. But, of-course not.

Apparently, his flight got cancelled for some reason that he didn't bother to hear right. So he had to wait with his insides sinking and darkening with his mother reassuring him in his ears. When she hung up, he turned his cell off and thought of dying. How bad could it be?

By the time he was close to heading back without a word, his flight was named through the speaker. He settled down with his laptop and ipod, going over some submitted paperworks that Alona- ever the sweet, loving angel- had saved in a hard drive for him while Metallica yelled their lungs out to him, and the next few hours became a bit more bearable. As soon as the plane landed, he had to suck it up and get out like everyone else; his mind had, by now, shut down to any melancholy ecclesiastical enough to give him away.

There wasn't any familiar face waiting for him when he stepped out. He pushed through the mob of clinging bodies, making his way to the main entrance as he looked around. He wasted ten minutes outside, with his jacket folded over one arm and him, half-leaning on his suitcase as he scowled down at his dead mobile. The nightsky overhead was dark, a threat if not for the dimmed streetlights. He watched as people walked by him, arms around each other and seeming blissful. He wondered if he was supposed to envy them.

" Fuck it." He stopped a cab, decided not to use a telephone booth and closed the door with a slam as he slumped in the backseat. At the simple, "  _Where to_?" his breath hitched and he pondered over how cold the night really was. He hadn't noticed.

He didn't remember what he said to the cab driver but he found himself drowning shots of tequila soon enough, at a pub that stank of sweat and sex. It was uncomfortable with the way predatory eyes kept sizing him up like he was some candy up for sale but he blurred out the obscure surrounding, choosing to hold his liquor instead of meeting any heated gaze cutting him up inside out.

He was approached thrice before he gave up and escaped the blond chick that had her palm grazing his thigh through his dark denims. His brain demanded a black out that he wasn't happy about but he kept up with his senses, blurting out his address to the cab driver when he got outside again to get him to take his things home. The old geezer seemed puzzled when he started to walk away and maybe it wasn't safe to send his stuff, unprotected and alone, with a random stranger but he didn't care. His body reached it's limit soon, the alcohol in his system getting the better of him and he tried to find his way back to his head.

Not easy. With the world spinning and his muscles objecting to any more movement, he stumbled along the empty freeway and tripped over his feet. The second a headlight shone in his vision, he fell over the asphalt and in about endless minutes later, he closed his eyes to welcome the pitch black that crashed into him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Criss-cross

Jared doesn't know how it came to this.

If he rewinds it all, it would begin from the moment he saw an angel. An angel with dark, corn-silk hair like a halo swung overhead, biscuit toned skin- all smooth and flawless, light spray of freckles too cute for words and lips too entrancing and tantalizing. A motionless but still breathing, an unconscious but unhurt, an  _un-fucking-believably_  beautiful angel, lying on the street, in the middle of nowhere. Since the moment Chad's charger had stopped and he'd stepped out, everything around the vicinity had screamed empty, barren echoes of nothingness. If Chad hadn't been so adamant to take the long way home, maybe they'd never end up there, leaving the place cold and lifeless as it had always rested perhaps; but then again, he wouldn't have met the angel either.

The angel had turned out to be one hell of a brainless pretty boy merely reeking of alcohol and some rich, smoky cologne. He didn't have any ID on him and his blackberry 10 was long dead. Besides that, all Jared could find were some cash, but no wallet. The road they had stopped at was narrow, winding straight out of the outskirts of the town with nothing around but the darkest depths of the woods. Obviously another mistake made by Chad's GPS. But what was the pretty boy doing, lying there on his own?

Chad had bitched, he had bitched all kinds of nuts and crazies as Jared had checked the stranger's pulse. Had meaningless words strung along into sentences twisted out of ordinary sense,  _shitohshit_  transforming to  _dead-doomed-dead-doomed_  and that turning soon to a series of  _fuckfuckfuck, don't do this to me-too pretty to go-jail's bad, jail's bad-Melissa, I'm sorry ,you bitch. Stop praying for my damnation already_. By the end of it, Jared should have been choking on every breath just to get some real air in. Except, everything felt off, wrong somehow.

It had taken the entire drive to his apartment for him to think it over. They had the random stranger in the backseat, unconscious, the whole time. Chad had  _Guns n Roses_  crying out of the radio at the lowest volume it could muster and Jared had thought he'd needed it desperately. It sure did feel like they were kidnapping prince charming (the silken glaze of his white shirt and the Rolex watch on one pale wrist didn't look very cheap, not to mention the money in the back pocket) but Jared thought it best to not just leave him there; and since Chad wasn't budging on his 'no' to any hospital being mentioned at all in this case that they'd accidentally landed themselves in, Jared's apartment had been the only option left.

Explaining to the landlord wasn't all that difficult ( 'I'm Chad, Jared's best friend, and this is my nephew, sir. He's wasted, gonna have an epic hangover in the morning') but getting the sagging body all the way over to the elevator seemed like a task truly meant for Mike Tyson. But they had done it, had the body lying on Jared's bed in ten minutes with Chad balled up on the couch and him sitting on the reading table with his legs dangling.

Chad had gone through a momentary panic attack, eyes crazed and face sickeningly pale as he'd mumbled, slurred and sang out whatever that came to mind. Something that went like-" We can't get out of this alive, Jay men. They're all coming for us. We should- we should spill secrets, man. Let’s start together. Have you ever killed anyone? 'Cause I have, loads of times. My mom says I'm narcissistic and I have asthma. I tried to manicure my nails once-"

Jared had practically shut him out then. Inside he'd felt like a storm was brewing, guilt and shame roller-coasting him to a shell too lonely to bear. Within himself, it felt all too quiet, it was dark and he was alone. It took fifteen minutes of hastened, rushed pondering with Chad's voice somewhere close but somewhat obscure, to get a hang of himself. He'd felt like he was cheating, finding a random guy attractive when the only one he'd ever thought of in that sense was Misha. He'd felt like crap and shit and all those things Cindy had called Chad. He'd felt fucked up and eaten raw from the inside.

So of-course he'd thought of something. Chad's whining had stopped when Jared had told him to get him a bottle of aspirin from the convenient store one block away. He'd made a bee-line for the money but Jared had pulled it away just in time, death glare fixated on the blond who'd had the decency to look surprised. They'd come to a deal later on as they'd stepped outside into the cold night with the door left ajar. Chad had to get the aspirin while his phone stayed back with Jared. Jared had called it a mortgage loan as he'd handed over a twenty to the blond but Chad had just gone with simple, old ' Fuck you.'

He hadn't enjoyed the bitter frost biting away at his skin as Chad had disappeared into the elevator. But he had stood there for some inexplicable reason, head wounded up so tight and throat hurting so bad, that he didn't care that his hands had been working on their own on Chad's cell, dialing that one number he had imprinted in his memory, just to make it all okay and get away from the itchy ache cutting at him.

" _Hello_?" Misha's voice had been casual, warm when he'd answered and Jared had never felt that glad to have the butterflies back in his stomach, the blood rush and giddiness making him sway on his feet. Misha had to repeat himself in reply to his silence and he'd disconnected, feeling like a coward but not really caring.

He was still pretty much in love with Misha. That was enough.

Apparently, leaving the door open at the time of some shitty melodrama is a bad idea, especially in the neighborhood he lived in. Cats, dogs, even furry pet rabbits run around the apartment building all the time, some being chased to the last floor by their owners and some roaming around aimlessly just because they weren't wanted inside sometimes. So any other day Jared wouldn't have been so surprised to see a dog take advantage of an open door to slip inside. But this time it was different. And possibly worse judging by the screams of obscenities coming out of his room while he’s standing still outside, no reaction catching up to him.

Jared wonders if he should go and die somewhere. Then the shouts get louder and he finally moves his legs, wanting to get this over with and wake up from the nightmare before the game's over and everyone's dead. Only, this time he has no hope.

The scene in his room's  _chaotic._ His sheets her tussled up on the ground, his table's upside-down with all the contents scattered all over the floor-board, there's a dog a feet away from his bed- barking like there's no tomorrow and the random stranger he'd brought home is standing in the middle of his bed, wide awake now, with a table lamp held warningly overhead.

 

“It’s okay, it's okay..." He didn't know what else to say as he inched forward into the room with his hands held up, eyes trained on the dog which turned on him, growled, crouched low and then pounced. With a soft yelp, he leaped over the little pooch and shot straight for the bed, calming down once he was on it and behind the other guy. He wasn't going to let this bother him since  _he_ was the one with a stupid weapon and not Jared.

 

“What the  _fuck_?!? That yours?" Wow, the guy had a really nice voice. All rasped and husky and deep and-wait, what did he say again? Jared bites his lip and sends the guy an apologetic glance which he misses since the dog was still there, demanding attention.

 

“Uh- _what_?" Jared mentally curses, knowing how idiotic he sounded.

 

“That thing- it yours?  _Do_ something!!" So he was bossy. And rude. Not an angel, then. Huh.

 

“He’s not a  _thing._  He's a living, breathing animal." Jared liked the guy better when he was out. “And he's not mine. Must've got in, somehow. Also, if you must know, they're usually very friendly. You must've freaked him out by-y'know-freaking out yourself. Pets around here aren't used to others reacting like that."

“Well, looks to me like you know a lot about 'em." The guy's tone goes higher then. “How 'bout you put that to good use and get it the hell outta here!"

“I  _can't_!!" Jared drawled out sorely. “I’ve never dealt with unfriendly animals."

 

The guy snorts and mutters ' _unfriendly_ ' under his breath and Jared throws a glare at his way. The dog lets out a series of the loudest barks yet and they both jump back. Jared grabs hold of the guy's arm but the stranger's too busy extending the lamp threateningly infront of them to notice and Jared's just fine with that. He peeks over the stranger's shoulder to see the dog advancing by baby steps and automatically backs away against the headboard, pulling the guy back with him by his arm.

“I hate mutts." Jared hears the guy mumble and he has to fight the urge to defend all the poor mammals the stranger's referring to. He catches the dog skid to a halt at the foot of his bed and suddenly he's scrambling off the bed at the same time the guy is, both of them ending on either side of the framework, pressed back against the wall.

The pooch goes quiet, snarling low as pitch black eyes follow their profiles intently. Jared looks at the guy across from him, flailing his hands around helplessly. The guy mouths ' _what_ ' at him and he swings his hands around to signal their emptiness and the guy mouths ‘ _oh_ ’ before motioning to the dog. Jared cups his hands together and begs then, turning on his puppy dog eyes and the stranger rolls his eyes and let his shoulders slump.

 

Jared crosses his fingers as the guy edges forward with the lamp clutched tightly to his side, focused on the dog as he inches closer to the bed. The little tail-wagger sinks low and 'woofs' which has the guy jumping over the mattress, padding over it and finally landing right infront of Jared within a millisecond. He heaves out a breath he'd been holding it seemed and turns to Jared with a scowl that soon dies down under the glow of Jared's infamous, megawatt smile.

 

 The guy's face goes blank and he just stares, eyes locked with Jared's and Jared realizes the guy has green eyes, sea green- almost olive, deep and shaded,  _beautiful_  , enough to lose himself in them no matter how cliché it sounds.

The monstrous growl that comes next has them breaking out of whatever the hell that was and throwing themselves on the bed again, crawling back to the other side. The dog stops at the spot they were at minutes ago and the bed's the only thing now that's separating them. The guy signals to the door and Jared simply nods when he realizes that the coast’s clear. They let the dog decide when to bark again and when it does, they're off, running to the door with the animal howling behind them.

Chad comes in, then with his arms full of grocery bags. They duck under him and slips through the door and Jared hears a soft ' _what the’_ _before_ Chad shrieks and there's noises of things tumbling down on the floor. They hurtle to the living room but trip on the way, managing to fall over on the carpet Jared's mother had gifted him right before he left, their limbs tangled up.

 

Jared catches Chad fighting with the front door and then wrench it open the moment the dog shoots at him, shutting it back close instantly and locking it before sinking on his knees.

 

He makes a move to stand up and comes face to face with the angel- and  _goddamnit;_ he really needed to stop calling the guy that! It takes him a moment to understand their position; he's sprawled on his back with the guy hovering above him, arms on either side of Jared's head to keep them from crashing. They gape at each other, feeling the other's breath and eyes blank when-

“Are you two making out?" Chad's voice is raw, like it's been scratched and Jared wonders if he'd been hurt when they left him to deal with the dog. They both sit up, pulling back from one another before standing up to dust themselves off. Jared goes to help Chad when he realizes the blond's still on the floor. 

“Okay." The guy bellows as Jared helps Chad to his feet. “I don't even want to talk about what just happened! But pray tell, who the hell are you and what the  _fuck_ am I doing here?"

Chad turns to Jared who returns the look. They hadn't thought this part out.

 

 

                                                                                                                                        ---

 

 

Jensen finds the lights switched on behind the curtains as he gets out of the taxi and pays the driver. No one's outside and the porch is left dark and hollow. He waits as the taxi takes off, the cold scratching his cheeks and seeping in through all the layers he had on. He ignores it all the same, getting closer to his house and trying to make out the whispers buzzing quietly on the other side. As he stops outside the door, he recognizes his mother's voice, sobbing and frantically trying to put coherent words together. He fights back a sigh and rings the doorbell.

It opens in an instant and then there's a shout, a cry of relief and before he knows it he's being engulfed into warm, familiar arms.

He lets her hold him tight for a few minutes before disentangling himself from her, only to be pulled in by his father who lets him go after a second with a brief pat on his arm. He steps back awkwardly and rubs a hand at the back of his neck, eyes lowering to the floor at the lack of anything to say. His mother still has tears cascading down her cheeks as she takes him in and his father's just standing there, waiting.

A pair of shuffling feet has him looking up and he grins a little when he catches Mackenzie glaring at him, her lower lip jutting out adorably. She has her gown on, her hair's not done like it usually is and she definitely seems tired; Jensen wonders if his mother had woken her up when Jensen didn't come home. He pulls her to him and ruffles her hair, delighted at the giggle she lets out before his gaze falls on his luggage at the foot of the stairs. He winces inside his head, knows how bad this is going to be. They're not going to cut him some slack and send him to bed, they're not going to wait for tomorrow to roll in and have it all explained.

“Where’s Josh?" That's the only thing he could come up with right now but his mother answers.

“He won't make it till next week, honey."

“Oh. Cool." He shifts from foot to foot, something itching for the silence and the stillness to stop but finding nothing to get it to leave. So he waits for them to make the first move, scrutinizing all the old, worn out furniture as he does so.

“So, you went drinking the second you got here." His father's tone is blasé and inscrutable. Jensen's so screwed.

Stupid cab driver.

He glances at his father and sighs. “No one was there when my flight landed. I was jet lagged and close to passing out, so I figured I needed a glass of scotch. Not much, just a little to get over the exhaustion and all. I was supposed to head right over here but I felt car-sick and nauseous. So I told the cab driver to get my stuff here and took a walk to clear my head off."

He was  _not_  going to mention what happened after. There was  _no_  way-

“Danneel wasn't there?" His mother's high-pitched cry rang out. "I send her to pick you up."

“Danneel?" He wasn't expecting that. “As in, Danneel Harris? From high school?"

His mother beams brightly. “You remember her."

How the fuck could he not. They used to date back then, a fling that took seven months to end and she'd been the one to end it. She'd rarely talked to him afterwards, hadn't called at all like she used to before they got together and sitting far away when they were at the same class.

“Yeah, I guess." He keeps his tone low, cautious. “Why did you send her?"

His mother shoots him an inexplicable look as he takes him by the arm to steer him to the kitchen, waving off his father and sister. “You two haven't talked since high school, Jensen. She misses you."

“Right. Yeah, sure she does." Like hell he believed that.

“So, why didn't you just call to let us know, honey?" His mother and her twenty-questions. He takes a seat at the round coffee table and watches his mother pull out one dish after another from the fridge. He replies when she's on to warming the third plate she'd got out in the oven.

“My cell's dead and my head wasn't really working right." There. That was great. He patted himself on the head in his mind.

“Are you sure you're alright?" Now she was edging the line of concern and he did not need her to go there, not right now when he was almost dead on his feet. How late was it?

“’M fine." He cursed himself for making it sound so weak.

She huffed at his words. “You’re going to eat, young man. And then straight to bed, you hear me? Don't bother with your luggage; we'll take care of that tomorrow."

He lets out a short, half-hearted laugh and starts on the first plate she places infront of him, not even caring how the food’s still a little cold at the edges. It tasted heavenly, so much like home and his palate was all too happy to gobble it all up. His father has a meeting with an old friend in the early morning, she lets him know when he looks around and he feels a bit guilty for keeping them up for so late, worried-sick no doubt. Mack has school the next day, so she's gone to bed too. His mother looks weary, so he doesn't take long with the food and as soon as declares himself full, he sends her to bed with a kiss on her cheek.

Later, when he's back in his old bedroom and pulling back the covers to slip inside in the dark, he thinks of how it had looked like when he'd rushed out of that apartment as though he'd been set on fire. Those two had made sense in a way. Maybe when any ordinary human being finds an unconscious man lying in the street, they take him home to care for him. But Jensen was no ordinary human being. And it had sounded so crazy, so completely nonsensical at that time that he hadn't bothered to think it over. He'd just left. That had had been his priority, and he'd paid heed to it.

He lets the thought go and closes his eyes. That night he dreams of warm, hazel eyes and a glowing, dimpled smile that soon disseminates into nothing, leaving behind only a pair of black eyes and bloodstained fangs. When he wakes up to the dewy, paperthin sunlight the next morning, he doesn't remember any of it.

 

 

                                                                                                                                    ---

 

 

Jared’s running late. And Chad’s the one to blame. After that douchey-douche from last night ran out of his flat like he’d seen a ghost, they’d gone drinking at a club downtown, ignoring the fact that midnight had crawled away hours ago. It was Chad’s idea and he’s the one paying for it now. Damn Chad and his need to get him wasted enough to lose track of time and fall asleep on the couch.

If it weren’t for Cindy coming to his rescue and calling him at eight in the morning, he’d have probably spend the day picking up garbage from the neighbor’s trash can until he got his head around everything. Now he’s running again in a long tee and khakis, barely seeing anything and ears pounding like a bitch, the air crashing by with a little too much force and he doesn’t even need to check his watch; that’d be slowing him down and he _really_ doesn’t have time for that. All thanks to Chad, still drooling all over his bed sheets back at his apartment.

The parking lot’s packed when he gets there but he doesn’t find a soul around. He doesn’t stop, slamming against the door, pushing it open to slide clumsily to the stairway and racing up like his life depended on it, discarding his bag on the floor beneath the racker without a second glance at it and literally throwing himself to the door on the left when another door squeaks open from one corner of the corridor.

Jared glimpses up with his hand on the handle, wheezing in air and blinking the tears away to fight back the blur. He squints and narrows his eyes as the guy from last night comes out. The guy turns and stills as he locks eyes with Jared.

“You’re taking classes here too?” Jared’s voice is accusing, his cry echoing around the empty hallway. The guy lets out a heavy breath, walking forward till they’re a foot apart.

“Not really. I’m-”

“So you’re _stalking_ me now? Is that it? Are you trying to report us to the police or something?” Jared’s on guard, cautious and weary as he glowers at the guy who rolls his eyes and crosses his arms.

“Tone it down will you?” The guy drawls coldly before starting again. “And-”      

“You’re such an _asshole_. You might blame everything on poor, helpless animals but it wasn’t the dog’s fault last night I’ll have you know. And me and my friend? We were just trying to help you- and you didn’t even listen to us. I bet you ran to the police station and told them we were some serial killing psychos or whatever-”

“Could you just-”

“You know what? Do whatever you want but if you’re going to press charges against the dog or any animal over there- scratch that, any animal in the world- you’ll have to go through me first.”

“…” The guy wasn’t even trying anymore. He had one eyebrow cocked up; watching Jared string along words like it was the only show on TV that was boring enough to help lure in sleep.

“And-and you might think you’ve got it all, but that won’t stop me, _oh no._ I’ll fight everything you throw at me; I’ll make sure you don’t even get close to those little pets. They’re innocent, you know? How can you just stand there, look them in the eye and think- ‘ _I’m gonna kill it, chief_ ’. I mean, don’t you have a heart? They deserve to live like we do, they deserve this more than any of your military pals and military dudes and military-”

“Everything alright out here, Mr. Ackles?”

Jared’s breath hitches. The guy smiles grimly. Jared watches him look over his shoulder and nod once, dismissing whoever peeked out with a single wave of a hand and a ‘ _I’ll be there in a minute, John.’_ The door closes behind them after a second.

Jared lets the silence sink in, doesn’t know how to stop it or get out of it, doesn’t know if he’d screwed it up or gotten kicked out before he even got to take a shot at it. He stares emptily at the wall across from him.

“Ackles? Jens-Jen-sen Ackles?” He was stuttering now. Great. How much more worse could this get?

“Guess you’ve heard of me. Good.” He sidesteps around Jared and walks over to the door. “I take it you’re here for the dance classes. You better get in, you’re late.”

With that the door slides open and shut, leaving Jared standing alone outside with a mess for a brain and a Jell-O for legs. He doesn’t move, merely catches his breath and tries to wish the ceiling into crashing over him.

 

 

                                                                                                                                                    ---

 

 

“ _What the hell, Jared_?” Cindy hisses as he takes his place beside her, trying not to let his eyes fall forward and into those green orbs of doom. The studio’s filled again, more than twenty pairs around them and Jared feels compacted, closed off and too heavy all at once. He doesn’t feel any eyes on him and that’s good; but the soft steps of padding feet over the wooden floorboard isn’t really helping and the only thing that has him calming down is his blood thumping in his eardrums.

There’s laughter, soothing and delightful, from close by but then it halts. People are whispering then and the soft rustling has to mean they’re shuffling close to each other, gathering round. Jared can’t see right, doesn’t want to and the only thing he focuses on is the floor under his feet. It blurs and then it’s clear, it spins once and then makes sense again. He nods once when he catches Cindy still watching him but never looks up.

This was it then. He’d back talked with Jensen Ackles and called him an asshole. He was _so_ going to get kicked out, and he can see it coming, can _feel_ it almost. This wasn’t fair. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

“Okay, then. That was just warming up, people; trust me, we haven’t even started yet.” A male speaks out through a megaphone, his voice rough and scratched. “We’re going to go three ways from here, one step at a time. Follow the steps I show you; I’ll wait a beat and then move on, so try and keep up with me. You miss a step- don’t lag behind, hurry on to what I’m doing; there’s not going to be any repeating this time. All you have to do is keep your eyes on me. No other instructor’s having any part to play in this, so you can just concentrate on one place.”

Everyone’s humming and mumbling around him and Jared wants nothing more than to get away. This sounds so cool, he doesn’t want to like it and get attached; not when he knows this might be the last time he’s allowed in here. He gulps in a mouthful of air and glances up. A little away from the participants, a tall, dark man’s stretching and Jared guesses that he was the one who was speaking before. The other instructors have scattered round them, watching them and conversing low with each other. Jared moves his gaze away, doesn’t want to look at Jensen Ackles smirking at him.

“Ready? Hit it, George.”

Jared turns to Cindy who frowns anxiously in response, giving her a thumbs up and a watery smile, hoping she hadn’t noticed his inner battle with himself. She shrugs and looks back to the front the moment the music starts. Jared braces himself, wanting his first and final class to be something worth remembering.

The next two hours fly past them, and Jared drowns in the hole inside him when the dark man- _Kevin-_ finishes the class with claps of appreciation for everyone and they’d reciprocated after a fraction of a minute. The two hours had been so _indulging, consuming_ and _overwhelming_ ; they’d been out of it the whole time. Jared couldn’t blame them. It really had been fun.

He wants to turn back time. It feels _hollow_ to think of not ever coming back to this. Cindy walks up to him as he solemnly bends down to tie a loosened shoelace, her bag slung over one shoulder. Pairs and groups are walking out, chatting and shaking hands with the instructors, clearing the room slowly.

“You okay? You’ve been kinda zoned out from the minute you got here.” Cindy’s tone is worried and frustrated, or maybe it’s something else entirely. Jared’s too down to figure it out. So he merely grunts in reply.

“It’s that Chad, isn’t it? He’s the reason you got here late and he’s the reason you’re looking _mopey_ , isn’t he?” Cindy’s hissing again, and damn it-he hates this. “You shouldn’t have stayed with him. You should’ve left with me. But _no,_ you want to know all about crazy hurricanes and volcanoes going off-”

“Cindy.” He just says her name, hears his voice- all blank and toneless- and she shuts up, giving him an odd look. He stands up, motions for her to lead the way and trails sluggishly behind her.

The other instructors are paired up and dispersed around the studio, talking in low voices and not paying any attention to them. The last participants in the room besides them were already at the door and as Jared’s luck would have it _,_ they were conversing with _Jensen_ fucking _Ackles._ The two girls giggled at something Ackles said and Jared heard Cindy muffle a hard-edged retort to that. Ackles has a strained smile on that would’ve made Jared feel pity for him on any other occasion but now, the pained expression makes him a little giddy inside. Not that he’s ever planning on saying that out loud.

The two girls slip out with a final wave at Ackles who only offers them a nod. Cindy keeps her head down as she tip-toes by Ackles who retreats to a corner, alone. Jared stops walking, a frown creasing his forehead. Cindy turns to shoot him a glare.

“ _Jared._ ” She whispers warningly but he’s hardly paying attention to that.

“Is there a problem?” Kevin asks as he approaches them. Cindy stiffens and reaches out to tug at his sleeve, trying to move him. Jared holds his ground.

“Er, no. We were just leaving, right Jared?” Cindy’s all fake smile and manners now. No surprise there.

“Actually.” Jared chirps casually. “Today was my last class- not that I’m dying or anything. So I just wanted to thank you for all the hard-work you’re putting in this classes. It’s a very nice thing to do, considering how people are killing each other these days, all over the world.” He ends that with a serious nod. And then nods again for good measure when he gets no reply. He feels sorta drunk.

“Okaaay.” Kevin drawls, looking over at Cindy with a confused frown and she just lets out a breath of laughter, embarrassed and unsure. “So this was your last class, eh? How come? Are you moving?”

“Nope. Jensen Ackles hates my guts.” Jared explains and shrugs indifferently.

“That so?” Kevin frowns deeper and turns his head a little to shout. “Hey, Jensen, you banned this kid from here?”

Jared resists a glare as he looks over at Ackles. The pretty boy’s staring right back at him, brows furrowed and face perplexed. He cautiously moves away from the wall he's leaning on and makes his way over to them. As he stops beside Kevin, Cindy stiffens and Jared spares her a glance. Her face is barren.

"I don't remember banning him." Ackles states, looking from Kevin to Jared. 

Jared's glare is still on. So he wasn't taking his revenge on Jared. That meant he had his eyes on those pets and Jared wasn't letting anything happen to them under his watch. Ackles glimpsed at him glumly, face drawn back with a nonchalance that just added more heat to Jared's temper.

"I hear you were planning to use those pets from that cartain neighbourhood in a ritualistic sacrifice." Okay, not the best way to put it but this needed to be sorted out. Jared wasn't going to allow  _Jensen Ackles_ to harm innocent, defenceless little-

“No. No, I wasn't.” Ackles was staring at him like he'd lost it. Maybe he had. Who cares?

All Jared can think of right now is whether the other man was lying. He frowns. "You're not going to do anything to little, cute, furry animals? Nothing at all?"

Ackles snorts and then coughs behind his fist. “No. No, I’m not.”

For a minute, he waits for the sarcasm to settle in and the ‘ _Of-course I will, you moron.’_ But when nothing comes and time drags on, Jared smiles, springs forward and has him in a bear hug in seconds, not caring how he’d left Cindy and Kevin gaping emptily after him. His mind’s too light and everything’s too shiny to  _not_ feel happy and it feels like Christmas, like home baked cookies and free ice-cream at the beach. His day’s glowing brighter and he was, well,  _happy_. So it’s okay to see sunshine and lilies and candy canes everytime he closes his eyes. And it’s okay to be exaggerating in his head.

“Thank you, thank you.” He knows how sugar high and child-like he sounds as he hugs Ackles-  _Jensen_ tighter and it’s awkward since the pretty boy’s two inches shorter than him but he really doesn’t give a damn. So this was an angel after all. Huh.

Of-course, because of the sudden rush of happiness, everything’s too blurry to notice Jensen stiffening and freezing, Cindy’s jaw dropping and everyone turning to take in the scene with their eyes almost falling out of their sockets.

Jared lets go with a huge grin at Jensen and bows his head in gratitude. He overlooks the inscrutable expression the other has and turns back to Cindy with a carefree grin and a blithe shrug. Before anyone says another word, Cindy grabs him by the arm, bids farewell in a high-pitched tone and drags him away in a rush.

 

 

                                                                                                                                  ---

 

 

Cindy avoids the diner they met Chad at like the plague. She pulls him in a coffee shop two yards away and pushes him into a booth at one side, ordering two Crème Brule for them both when a server followed them to their table with a pair of menus.

“What was that back there, _Jared_?!?” She’s almost growling. “Have you lost your mind? Are you _insane_?!?”

He blinks. “I don’t think so.”

“It’s that Chad, right?” Cindy huffs out her conclusion with a punch to the table. “ _God,_ when I see him again…”

“It’s not Chad, Cindy.” Jared cuts in. “He’s not even that bad. I gave him my money yesterday to get me some aspirins and he didn’t run away with it. In fact, he used his own money to buy some stuff he needed. Now that’s real matured of him, don’t you think?” No way was he mentioning the mortgage loan idea he’d come up with or anything else about last night.

“ _Shut up_ , Jared. Now give me your cell.”

He leans back in defense. A knee jerk reaction. “Why?”

“I’m calling Chad. Going to give him a piece of my mind, that’s why.” She grits out and frowns at his hesitation. “What? You didn’t get his number?”

“I did. But, _seriously_ , Cindy- it’s not his fault. Whatever the fault is around here. Y’know what- what’s my fault again?”

She narrows her eyes. “You’ve been out of it from the start, Jared. And back there- with _Jensen Ackles,_ your word vomit and that _hug-_ you can’t just go ahead and hug _Jensen Ackles._ ”

He blinks again. “I can’t?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Sure. Okay.”

Cindy scoffs. “Right. Like I’m falling for that. Nice try. Now give me your phone.”

Jared’s shoulders slump. “ _I’ll_ call him, okay? If he hears your voice, he’ll just hang up. What d’you want me to say to him?”

“To stay away from you and not to ever bother you again. Oh, and he’s a jerk.”

Jared smiles bitterly. “Change of plans. I’ll text him.”

Cindy smiles sweetly. “Atta boy!”


	3. Sugarcoated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My internet wasn't working. So it took me longer to post this chapter. Also, I aced an exam that, according to my parents, decides my life for me. I was thinking I'd be banned from using the computer after my result comes out but now that I've got the A+ that everyone's been praying for, I guess I'll be able to concentrate on this fic more. No more worrying and no more using this as a distraction. I haven't gone through this chapter, so feel free correct me if I've got anything wrong.

Jensen Ackles is _so_ not an angel. He keeps responding to Jared’s friendly smiles with a death glare maximized to its last limit but the point had been noted and Jared had shrunk away each time, making sure to stay out of his peripheral vision at all cost. The dance classes had that weighing down on him like a liability he can’t even hope to get rid off and everytime he twists around Cindy to get a move right, it backfires and hits him back. Or well, hits Cindy on the toe but he always apologizes; so, Cindy lets it go with only a scowl at his way.

Jared had stopped with the friendly greetings and smiles after a week of being on the receiving end of Jensen’s narrowed orbs. Not that it helped. Every single time Jared would risk a look at him, he’d either get an eye-roll or the infamous ‘Ackles death glare’ at its best. None of them really functioned as a catalyst for cheering him up and he’d learned his lesson by now. With Cindy’s help, it had been partly possible to overlook the fact someone in the studio wanted him to die on his next birthday.

Classes were all the same. Each round they jump to, presents a challenge but nothing worth getting worked up over. The instructors hadn’t thrown anything hard or difficult at them. Jared thinks they’re trying to give some space to those who’ve yet to catch up. There _are_ some contestants that had missed out on numeral classes due to reasons unknown to Jared but they must’ve been important since those pairs are paid more attention these days.

Kevin comes to their aid whenever they miss a step or mess up the routine. Sometimes he just stands behind Cindy and grabs her arms to show her how to do a move; leaving her to teach Jared on her own. Other times he demonstrates for Jared and lets Cindy memorize every motion he slows down on.

Overall it’s fun. He loves it and if Ackles suddenly gets an e-mail claiming he needs to go back to wherever he came from to attend to some major emergency, then Jared would be on cloud nine. But apparently life doesn’t work that way, so he’d have to suck it up and deal with a grouchy instructor in his dance classes who likes to think he can set Jared on fire with his eyes narrowing to slits and face scrunching in distaste.

 

 

\---

 

 

There’s a nine year old girl two doors down who owns two dogs, an American Eskimo and a Bearded Collie. Jared had made it a hobby to take them out for a run before the sun’s completely up; something that’s soothing in those mornings when the damned coffee maker refuses to cooperate and all he gets to have for breakfast is a mouthful of stale slices of whatever he’d left to rot in the fridge.

He comes back everytime to be greeted by the little girl’s bright smile and goes back to his apartment with a mind too light to find fault with his half-empty stomach and a grin that falls over his face on autopilot. He showers, he dresses and he gets screamed at by Cindy over the phone for being late yet again. He’s used to this, used to getting out with a giddiness that doesn’t really make any sense but means a lot at the same time, used to this feeling that makes the world a better place.

It’s not like he’s happy all the time. That’s not possible and he knows it all too well. But seeing the brighter side to things that may have been a letdown, believing in the goodness of those that may seem a bit too dark at first sight, rooting for world peace like it’s really out there, far away but not beyond one’s reach- that’s what drives the sun in and the night out for him; that’s what has the earth still spinning around him.

It’s simple really. Like having a nice chat with that quirky old lady at the bus-stop (she likes him better than all her grandsons and he calls her Gramma). Or helping out those kids at the coffee shop who stare down at their homework like it’s all infected. Or playing with those introvert five year olds who tend to sit back, alone and lonely and waste their time watching other children at the park.

Jensen Ackles is another story.

The guy’s all moody and gloomy, a combination Jared hates because of the blackness it preaches everywhere. As though it has an aura that spreads wide and open like butterfly wings to embrace anything positive and bring it over to the dark side. That’s the vibe he gets from Jensen. There’s too much frustration pent up inside, the air he carries glum and dead, the countenance he holds all but happy. Jared had never seen him _happy._ Half the time it’s like someone invisible’s there beside him, choking him. Most of the time it’s not that bad. It just seems like he’s trying not to throw up. Which is still bad in Jared’s dictionary.

It’s strange to have to return to that blackened atmosphere Jensen pours down everyday in the dance studio. Jared’s so used to warmth and smiles and _happiness_ that it’s sort of excruciatingly painful when he has no other choice but to succumb to hours of unseen pressure that’s forced over him with each glare Jensen maneuvers his way. Not because it bothers him, it doesn’t really. It’s just that Jared has never met anyone who can keep their faces blank and emotionless. Not until Jensen. The guy’s heart is in the right place, Jared knows that now.

But he’d never seen Jensen _smile_ , not even a little, not even once. He’s always serious, cautious and strained with every expression he gives away. It seems painful, lethargic, _exhausting_. It feels almost like a miracle to Jared that the guy’s still standing straight, not hunched over or hidden back inside a shell. Jensen’s a puzzle with all the pieces shuffled together haphazardly. And it’s depressing that there’s so much work to do to fix the mess it leaves behind.

So Jared can’t be blamed for not being able to focus during the dance classes. If anyone’s responsible, then it’s Jensen and his shadowy aura and that cloudy, dead feeling Jared gets when the other boy’s in his line of sight and- yeah, the picture’s clear enough.

“ _Jared._ ” Cindy’s hissing again. He must’ve zoned out or something.

The music’s loud when it hits his eardrums and he recognizes the tune, hastening to call back the routine they were shown before and trying to match that with every beat screaming out from the speakers. Cindy’s throwing him weird looks as she twists her arms around and rocks away with each step whilst the music drags on. He follows her, trying not to feel so deflated inside as his body moves on its own, like it has every step memorized. Limbs slither around and he obscurely realizes that everyone’s moving with the same pace, matching every motion and taking every step with precision. Jared’s messing up, either going too fast or slowing down and falling behind. He throws a frantic glance at Cindy who shakes her head and merely continues copying the swaying bodies.

Then there’s a warm hand on his arm and he’s being pulled back a step to stand shoulder to shoulder with Cindy. He bites his lip as he glimpses behind and sees Jensen glowering at nothing in particular as he balances Jared’s right arm and sets it in the right position. He rolls it twice to match the pace everyone’s following and when Jared’s got it, he backs away. The sour boredom doesn’t leave his face as he turns away from Jared and walks over to the other side of the room.

 

 

\---

 

 

Jensen’s fuming after twenty minutes. Jared thinks it’s his fault.

He just doesn’t like the dark, moody waves rolling off of Jensen and surrounding the studio. How is he supposed to concentrate when he’s being scowled at the whole time? Everytime Jensen looks his way, Jared’s certain that he’s contemplating murder plans for him. Either that or Jared’s got a bug on his face and he’s pretty sure that’s not it.

It turns out Kevin had assigned Jensen three pairs to focus on. One of which included him and Cindy. And for some bizarre reason known only to the deity perhaps, Jensen possesses no patience at all. So he’d be growling and cursing every time he’d have to walk over to Jared to correct him. Cindy doesn’t get that much attention because she keeps up with everyone else impeccably.

Within the next ten minutes, Jensen’s become a constant behind him and he’s holding Jared’s shoulder a little too hard and his arm in a similar, vice like grip, his nails almost digging into Jared’s skin as he repositions him for the umpteenth time. Jared tries his best not to flinch away. It’s like Jensen’s going to explode any second now and he thinks it best to just keep quiet and let the sullen instructor do his job.

This goes on for another slow, torturous minute before his back starts to hurt from being straight for so long and he finds it impossible to play along with Jensen’s poses. He hunches a little, stretches his legs out and shuffles back, only to bump into a warm, solid chest. Legs entangle together like they have a mind of their own and they both lose their balance, tripping over the other’s feet and dropping gracelessly to the floor.

Jared hears Cindy draw in a gasp and the pairs around them trot a little away to give them some space to stand up. No one’s paying much attention to them though. Except for sending short, startled glances at their way, the other pairs go on with the routine and keep up with the non-stop music.

Cindy scrambles over to them and tries to help Jensen up. Jared resists the urge to make a run for it and gets up too, eyeing Jensen worriedly. Cindy backs away as Jensen dusts himself off and then shoots Jared a dirty look. Before Jared can respond to that he finds Jensen inches away from him, the ‘Ackles death glare’ terrifying as it pierces through him.

“ _Last chance._ ” The whisper’s low and threatening. “Get it right on your own. Do I make myself clear?”

Jared nods, managing a shaky smile.

Jensen’s eyes narrow to slits before he stalks off.

 

 

\---

 

 

Chad’s calling again. Jared stares glumly at the caller ID, plotting ways to get out of whatever Chad has planned for him. He flops back on his couch, tracing invisible patterns on the ceiling with his fingers until the phone stops ringing. He swallows back a sigh and takes in the lonely apartment. It’s lunch time but he doesn’t really feel like getting up. The thought of food is tempting but strenuous. Yet, he can’t go on without it. No matter how much his appetite protests, he needs to eat something.

Then again, he also needs some fresh air.

The phone rings again. He ignores it. He did send that message to Chad like Cindy had told him to. And just as he’d expected, Chad had shook it off with a ‘ _Oh, okay then. So I guess you won’t be going to the game with me. You know- that one, the one I told you about- the one with the front seats.’_ Chad hadn’t stopped there, oh no _sir_. He’d tried to get Jared to shoplift with him (‘Just for fun, Jare. People do it all the time.’) He’d also tried to hook Jared up with some bimbo with a nutshell for a brain and had somehow ended up getting kicked on the shin by said bimbo by the end of the night. So yeah, Chad calling means something _bad_. Something Jared would never want to get involved with. That is, if everything didn’t feel so down and absurdly melancholic. It’s times like these that makes Jared want to forget the reality he sees for a while. Just to lose himself in something else, something lighter and crazier, something like _Chad_. Even though he knows he’d regret it later.

Half an hour later he finds himself at the shopping mall with Chad, sitting at the food corner with cheeseburgers, fries and a pair of sodas.

“Okay.” Jared says, looking pointedly at the blond who’s busy shoving a handful of fries into his mouth. “What’re we doing _here_ Chad?”

Chad shrugs, reaching for another bundle of fries but Jared grabs his wrist, keeping his expression blank as he waits for Chad to explain. The blond chews nervously on his lip for half a minute before his face falls in defeat.

“My mom’s birthday’s coming up.” He answers like someone’s gutting him. “I got her a handkerchief last year; so she emotionally blackmailed me this time into getting her something nice.” He pauses and stares at Jared who simply gapes back. “I don’t know what’s nice, Jare. I used to think handkerchiefs were nice and it turns out they’re not. I don’t get women, Jare; you gotta help me out man.”

Jared can’t help it, he grins. “Aww, how sweet of you Chad! I’ll love to tag along. And anyway, I’ve got some birthday shopping to do myself.”

Chad raises an eyebrow. “Yeah? For who? That chick you hang out with?”

Jared grins wider and doesn’t answer.

The rest of the time’s spend rushing from stall to stall, looking at everything they had to offer and cringing at anything that’s both likable and expensive. Chad gets lost at one point and Jared has to waste half an hour looking for him. When they do reunite, Jared yells at him for ten minutes straight until Chad covers his ears and quickens his pace to lose him. Jared catches up with him easily, giving him a mocking punch on the shoulder but letting it go with a smile.

They buy their gifts from the same place. It’s almost four o’ clock when they step out, the wrapped up presents tucked away carefully in their pockets. Chad leaves his side and scuttles towards the food corner again and even though Jared’s not that hungry, he follows. After all that walking, chasing and running, Chad deserves some food in him. And right now, a cup of coffee sound _really_ good.

It’s less crowded than before and they take their previous seats. Most of the tables are unoccupied and the number of servers also appears less than they were a few hours ago. Jared drums his fingers absentmindedly on the table, looking around as Chad orders. There’s a bunch of girls sitting across from them, just beside the table that a couple had filled. One of them looks over and catches Jared staring. He flushes and hastily looks away, only to do a double take and glance back at the couple.

 _Jensen_?

It _was_ Jensen. With a girl. With a _girl._ _Jensen’s_ with a girl.

This had to be dream. Jared squints at the girl; she doesn’t look much older than Jensen, red hair, nice curves, very pretty. They’re leaning close and she’s smiling all over, almost glowing as she speaks to him. Jared stares at them curiously, taking in the scene and then sweeping his gaze to Jensen.

“Sucks, right?” Chad tells him, voice drawling lazily. “All the good ones are always taken.”

Jared doesn’t comment on that. He frowns as he watches Jensen. If they _were_ on a date, then shouldn’t he look a little bit more different than usual? Shouldn’t he be smiling and glowing and looking happy too? Yet, he’s the same, his face smoothed out and tired, his stance stiff. Maybe she’s someone he doesn’t like…

“Jare, you’re gonna get punched if you keep on staring at someone’s girlfriend like that.” Chad says, his tone low but nonchalant. Jared snaps his eyes to him and shakes his head in a rush.

“I’m not staring at _her_.” He hisses and Chad cocks his head to a side.

“You’re gay?”

“That’s not what I meant! The guy she’s with, look closer. Seems familiar?”

“I don’t think so...hey, wait a sec. Isn’t he the one we-”

“Yes, he is.” Jared cuts in icily. “And he’s also Jensen Ackles. And he also doesn’t really like me much.”

Chad blinks. And then he blinks again. And then his eyes go round.

“ _That’s_ Jensen Ackles?!?!?”

That comes out a bit too loud. To Jared, it echoes around the area. He fishes up a menu and hides his face behind it, praying that Jensen won’t recognize Chad. Everyone around them has gone quiet and there’s only the noise of shuffling feet in the air. He peeks around the cardboard paper to see Chad sending a nervous wave and a strained smile to- _Jensen_ , Jared guesses. He doesn’t dare to peek at Jensen’s reply to Chad and waits for the people to move on to whatever they were busy doing before. As snickers and laughter bubble up all around, followed by restarted conversations, Chad nudges his shoes with his own before getting up and hurrying out. Not even bothering that about the food they’d ordered and had yet to devour, Jared trails after him.

“I was _lying_ , okay?” Chad gushes out frantically as soon as they’re out. “I don’t know Jensen Ackles. I’ve heard of him, sure, but I’ve never seen the guy. I was just- y’know- messin’ with ya.”

Jared rolls his eyes as he starts walking. “I kinda knew that from the start. But that’s not what I was going to ask you, Chad.”

Chad frowns. “Are you gonna ask me if I’m gay?”

Jared glares at him. “ _No._ I was going to ask you why needed to yell so bad back there.”

“Oh.” Chad pretends to ponder over it as they step outside and into the dimmed sunlight. “Well, it’s a common human reaction to surprise, Jare.”

“Right. Well, did he recognize you?” Jared halts, making Chad stop as well.

Chad’s face darkens. “I don’t think so. I don’t think he even looked at me. He just rolled his eyes and I swear I saw the guy _smirking_. He’s full of himself, isn’t he? _That bastard_.”

Jared fights back the sigh of relief.

“So” Chad drawls. “I’m still hungry. Wanna head over to the diner?”

Jared smiles. “Nah, I have to meet up with someone.”

Chad snorts. “Let me guess, the birthday girl?”

“Yep. See you later.” Jared chirps. Chad makes a face and then shrugs, waving once at Jared before trudging along the sideline. Jared watches him go for a minute before turning around and walking in the opposite direction.

 

 

\---

 

 

He has to go back to his apartment first to get the aluminium foiled Pavlova slice that he’d made with his mom babbling in his ear through his cell. It had been a catastrophic afternoon but he’d got it right in the end. He’s sort of proud of it and it’s the proudest he’s ever been since he got here.

He sends her a text, asking her to wait five more minutes as he packs and scrambles around for the keys. He gives up after a moment, grabbing the bag and hastening out the door, not bothering to lock it; he’s already late. The sunshine feels good on his skin despite its weakness and he sucks it in as he rushes down the stairs and jogs along the pavement. He keeps checking his watch every three minutes, tripping now and then when he tries to double his pace.

Twelve minutes later, he’s standing alone, some feet away from the bus-stop, wondering if it’d be a good idea to turn around and head back.

Gramma’s there as usual, her umbrella neatly supported on the bench and her leather bag seated beside her. But she’s not alone. And of-course, _of-course_ she’s talking to _Jensen_ (Seriously? _Seriously_?!?) and the guy looks like he’s in pain. Jared wishes he’d brought his camera with him.

It’s obvious by now that Jensen hates him and so it wouldn’t make any sense to assume he’s following Jared around. Also, he got here _before_ Jared. Yeah, that counts too. But…but why Gramma? Of all the people- then again, Gramma loves to chat and there’s very few people around. Just two teenage boys and an old man who, Jared suspects, has a crush on Gramma- not that he’s planning on telling her anytime soon.

“There you are! Get o’er here, boy!” Before he can take a step back, Gramma hollering and Jared reluctantly slogs over to her, worrying for her lungs. He keeps his eyes straight and tries to blur out Jensen’s profile from his peripheral vision. Gramma’s got a frown on her face as he stops right beside her.

“You need to learn some manners, boy! Do you keep your ladies waiting like this? No wonder you haven’t found your partner yet.” She’s angry and he half-expects her to start hitting him with her umbrella.

“I, uh-”

“You’re not making any excuses with me, boy! Learn to accept your mistakes like a man.” The more she’s shouting, the lower Jared’s hanging his head. He’s used to being yelled at by her but with Jensen here, it feels humiliating. Sort of.

“Alright then, looks like you have company.” Jensen speaks up then and Jared makes sure to keep his gaze downcast. “So I guess I’ll be heading home then. Sorry about your grandsons and happy birthday again.” He sounds half restless and half irritated, mostly overwrought. Jared purses his lips to hide a smile. _Jensen Ackles_ is running away from Gramma.

“Oh no, son. You should come along. I’m sure Jared wouldn’t mind.” Gramma’s all kind and nice _now._ It makes him want to pout a little, cross his arms and huff.

“I don’t want to intrude. And I’ve got work to do. So- yeah, it was nice meeting-”

“Nonsense. A few hours would hardly kill you.” She easily dismisses his protests with a wave of her hand. “And Jared here needs a good example like you to follow. He’s turning into a-”

“I’m not!”

“You shut your mouth.” She raises her voice and he shrinks away. “Unlike you, Jackie here is a real gentleman. He walked his girl all the way here and even offered her a ride. He was so sweet to her.”

“It’s Jensen, ma’am.”

“Yes, yes. Jackie Chan. I know.”

“No, it’s-”

“So is she coming with us too?” Jared cuts in hastily and Gramma sighs. Jensen just looks frustrated. And a bit out of place.

“No. She had to go see her tissue.” Gramma explains very seriously and Jared frowns, confused.

“Her nephew.” Jensen corrects sourly and Jared finally looks at him, nodding in understanding.

“So, where’s my Pavlova?” Gramma drawls out and Jared kneels down on the pavement beside her, bringing out the loosely wrapped aluminium foil from his bag. He offers it to her and watches anxiously as she balances it on her right hand and then her left, testing the edges with her fingertips when she’d unravelled it and sniffing it closely.

Jared holds his breath as he watches her take the first bite. She keeps her face impassive as she chews and then shakes her head slowly. Jared’s face falls.

“My grandsons prefer more sugar.” She explains and turns to him contemplatively. “I have to get some things for the party, so we can buy everything we need to make a Pavlova right now. We don’t even have to wait for the bus, Jackie’s going to give us a ride, won’t you Jackie?”

Jared notices the panic stricken, frantic worry flash across the other’s face and can’t help the pity that takes over him. Gramma can be nagging, annoying and persistent but those are the reasons he loves her so much. Jensen doesn’t even _know_ her and he obviously loathes Jared.

Having to spend the rest of the day stuck with them would really _suck_ for the guy. Jared decides to intervene; he could try and get Jensen out of this, it’s the least he could do.

 

 

\---

 

 

The next thing he knows they’re at the grocery store, trailing after Gramma along an aisle with stocks of fruit juices at both sides. Jensen’s got a basket and Jared’s pushing a trolley whilst Gramma leads them from shelf to shelf, babbling on about how lonely she gets sometimes when her grandsons decide that ditching her is fun.

Jensen seems to be holding back whatever he wants to say with the way his face looks all red and blown. Jared wonders for a moment if he’d scream at Gramma like he does with Jared but as time ticks on with nothing coming out of Jensen, Jared feels relieved. He catches the other’s eye and tries to smile in assurance but that only earns him an annoyed glance. He gives up, turning back to the front as Gramma stops and picks up a tomato juice before she moves over to look at some seasonal vegetables.

Jared glimpses at Jensen again and the poor guy looks like he’s being choked. Jared blows out a breath, hoping Gramma wasn’t planning to stick around for too long. With Jensen’s patience, he would presumably start suffocating after a while.

Gramma’s humming as she pads over to the rows of chocolate biscuits and they trudge along. Jensen breathes out heavily as he shifts from foot to foot, dangling the basket he’s holding when they halt once again to let Gramma choose. Jared looks at him again, contemplating.

“You don’t have to do this, you know.” He doesn’t know why he says that but as soon as the words are out, he has to resist the need to take them back; instead, he waits for some explanation curiously. Jensen turns to him with a frown.

“What?”

Jared flinches. “I mean, you said you had stuff to do, right? Why are you still here?”

Jensen’s still frowning as he answers. “Do I look like I’ve a choice?”

Jared’s mentally cursing himself for starting the ‘small talk’. He nods briskly and looks away, awkward and unsure. There’s an ephemeral pause whilst Gramma’s still humming to herself and he starts when Jensen speaks again.

“Jared, right?” His name in that voice sounds _surreal._ And hold on- _what’s he thinking?!?_

“Yes.” Lame, so lame, he’s so lame. _What the hell’s wrong with him_?!?

“You’re paired up with that dark haired girl, aren’t you? What’s her name again?”

“…Cindy Sampson?”

“Sampson. Right, I remember.” Jensen says indifferently and Jared thinks he’s being used as a distraction from something worse. But he can’t really find it in himself to care. “She’s good, she’s improving really fast. You, on the other hand-”

“I know.” Jared interrupts in a rush. “I swear I’m going to fix it, it’s just-” _You keep glaring at me._ “-I get distracted very easily.”

“If that’s the case, maybe you should just drop out.” Jensen suggests, blasé and blithe as always. “Otherwise, you’ll end up costing her a place in the competition.”

Jared’s face hardens and he scowls. _That’s rude!_ “I said I was going to fix it, didn’t I?”

Jensen snorts. “Right. Good luck with that.”

_Jensen: 01_

_Jared: 00_

He turns away before Jared can retaliate and trots behind Gramma who’s making her way over to the cashier. Jared feels a little deflated but doesn’t let it get to him much, hurrying to catch up and ignoring Jensen completely when he reaches them. Jensen seems to be blurring him out as well and Jared’s perfectly okay with that.

When they’re back in Jensen’s car, the scenery sweeping past his window and Gramma's giving Jensen directions, Jared leans his head against the cool, glass pane and closes his eyes.

 

 

\---

 

 

“Get out, Jackie! You’re coming in too!” Gramma’s yelling again, continuously tapping the windshield with her fist and Jared feels no pull to stop her. Jensen’s looking frantic again, more exhausted than usual and slightly pinched from where he’s still seated inside the car, gripping the steering wheel tightly. Jared stands back with the paperbags holding all the contents that Gramma had bought and watches from afar as Gramma tries to convince Jensen, shaking off every protest he throws her way.

Minutes later, he’s chuckling to himself and walking along the driveway with Gramma dragging a hesitant Jensen behind him. They head straight for the kitchen where they’re both handed aprons as Gramma takes charge. The house is empty save for them, everyone’s out it seems and Gramma’s grumbling about her grandsons sneaking out again when she moves over to light the stove.

Jared washes his hands and shadows her footsteps. Jensen stands awkwardly at the doorway, his apron clutched in his hands. He watches them confusedly, brows slightly furrowed and expression guarded. Jared makes sure Gramma’s attention doesn’t go to him, standing in her way whenever Jensen’s in her sight. She’s too busy scuttling around the kitchen, picking up ingredients and multitasking to notice Jensen.

They’re half-way through and Jared inches towards Jensen when Gramma’s busy setting the oven’s temperature. Jensen’s eyes are on Gramma but he looks up when Jared halts right infront of him.

“You can sit back and watch some TV in the living room.” He points at the LCD TV behind them and Jensen purses his lips but doesn’t move. Gramma yells for Jared and he rushes back to aid her in getting the sheet pan in the oven. By the time it’s in and heating up, Jensen’s not at the doorway anymore.

They find him setting the dining table and Gramma looks pleased at the sight. Jared doesn’t know if he should feel surprised or freaked out. Jensen turns a little pink when he catches them staring and steps back, his face hard.

Gramma takes her place at the farthest corner of the table and makes them sit on either side of her. She studies Jensen intently for sometime and Jared thinks Jensen’s trying not to squirm under her firm gaze. That, itself is so _out of character._ Then again, what _does_ he know about Jensen?

“Are you married Jackie?” Gramma’s question takes him by surprise and Jensen starts as well.

“Uh, it’s Jensen. And no, I’m not married.” He answers uncertainly.

“No?” Gramma sounds like she hadn’t been expecting that. “Why not? A man your age should have settled down by down. Unless there’s something else you’re not telling me.”

“Sorry?” Jensen frowns at her in confusion.

“You like boys. Is that it?”

Jensen chokes on his breath and Jared has to stifle a laugh bubbling up in his throat. Gramma merely blinks at the reaction.

“Er, no. I just, stay busy with work most of the time. So, I don’t really have any time to see someone.” He replies shakily and Gramma nods.

“That’s a shame.” Gramma sighs. “I know many unmarried girls around your age. Very pretty ones, too. I can help-”

“Gramma!” Jared cries out, stopping her mid-sentence. “I just remembered. I haven’t given you your present yet.”

Gramma quirks her brow. “Don’t tell me you got me another showpiece.”

Jared laughs and shakes his head. “Nope. You’re going to like this one.”

He snakes up the small plastic covered packet from his jeans and hands it over to her timidly. Jensen’s watching him impassively when he looks back at him and he quickly sweeps his eyes over to Gramma again.

“My, my…”  Gramma breathes out as she holds up the silver chain, the cross attached to it twirling as it’s set free. “I’m impressed, boy. It’s not bad, not bad at all.”

He grins, beaming at her. “You like it?”

She smiles fondly. “Like I said, it’s not bad.”

He coughs, feeling like he’s going to elevate any moment now. He watches eagerly as Gramma gets up to walk over to a mirror and puts it on carefully. When she comes back, he stands up to hug her. He can’t help himself. He’s _happy_.

“Are you leaving?” She asks him sadly and he sighs in response.

“Jensen _did_ say he had some work to get to.” He explains. “We should be heading back. Let me know how the Pavlova turns out, ‘kay?”

Jensen frowns as he gets up too. “We?”

Jared feigns innocence as he blink s at the other man. “You _are_ going to drive me back, right? You don’t expect me to _walk_ back from here, do you?”

The words Jensen was planning to tell him seem to die at the tip of his tongue when he turns to see Gramma watching their exchange silently.

“Sure.” It comes out a bit dry and Jared considers himself victorious.

_Jensen: 01_

_Jared: 01_

 

 

\---

 

 

The evening’s paving the way for a starless night, the inky skyline glaring overhead as Jensen drives through the freeway, headlights switched on. Jared’s riding shotgun, head lulling against his window as he watches the orange beams of the streetlights flicker by. They hadn’t shared a word since they left Gramma on her porch.

He risks a hesitant glance at the older man. Jensen has a shadow of a frown creasing his forehead and it takes his whole will power to stop himself from reaching out and smoothing the lines with his fingers. Jensen’s always tensed, always holding back and somewhat strained. _Mechanical. Robotic._

Jared doesn’t get him. It’s nonsensical, in a way. Why would anyone deliberately keep themselves locked up in their own shadow? He watches cross-eyed, vision obscure from focusing at one point for so long but he just couldn’t figure it out. Jensen gives him a headache. He’s subconsciously pouting when Jensen stiffens beside him.

“Stop that.” The order’s rough and it has him flinching.

“Huh?”

Jensen throws him the ‘Ackles death glare.’ “Stop staring.”

Jared bites his lip to stop a smile. “Why? Does it bother you?”

Jensen lips draw back into a sneer at his teasing tone. “I wouldn’t tell you to stop if it _didn’t_ bother me.”

Jared shrugs. “Nothing’s stopping you from driving me home. So I’m guessing you’re okay with _this._ ”

Jensen glowers at him and then turns back to glare at the windshield. It takes a few second for his face to dissolve into a wicked smirk and he glimpses at Jared with a glint in his eyes.

“You’re right.” He says casually with a shrug and before Jared can process what that means, the car’s swerving to the left and skidding to a halt, making him bump back against his seat. Cars passes by in a flash of headlights and Jared blinks, turning to stare at Jensen, perplexed.

“Get out.” Jensen states, blasé and nonchalant as he impatiently taps his fingers on the steering wheel.

“What?” Jared asks stupidly, straightening up and widening his eyes at the other man.

Jensen smirks wider. “I’m _not_ okay with this. So, get out.”

Jared splutters, his brain not catching up to anything coherent to say. Jensen’s still waiting, his smirk held in place.

“You’re kidding me! I can’t-”

“Out. Now.”

Jared glares at him and has to fight the urge to huff and cross his arms. He could say _‘make me’_ but who knew how Jensen would react to that.

He gets out, slamming the door and steps back with his fists clenched tight by his sides. Jensen doesn’t spare him a glance as he revs the engine and drives off. Jared lets the car disappear out of his sight before his shoulders slump.

Now he has to either call Cindy or Chad.

Chad’s probably busy hooking up at a bar and Cindy’s going to kill him if he makes her pick him up at a time like this. He _could_ get a ride from a stranger but right now, that idea doesn’t sound considerable. He didn’t even _want_ to think of the perverts who’d be driving by.

Five minutes later he wants to cry as he dials Cindy’s number.

_Jensen: 02_

_Jared: 01_

 

 


	4. Falling

It’s late when Jensen gets home. He finds his mother in the kitchen, scuttling around and warming dishes in the microwave. She smiles at him when he pads in.

“How was your day?” She asks as he opens the fridge to retrieve a bottle of Gatorade. He leans against the counter as he uncaps it, glancing at her when he answers.

“Fine. I hung out with Danneel after the classes.”

Her face brightens and he resists the urge to frown suspiciously at her. His mother and Danneel had always got along but they weren’t close. At least that’s how it had always looked like to him.

“I didn’t know you had plans with her today.” She says, liquid cautiousness levelling her voice. He merely shrugs at that.

“She called. Said she wanted to make up for ditching me at the airport. Apparently my crazy flight schedule threw her off.” He forces out a laugh, lets her observe him lovingly for a minute before getting up and putting back the Gatorade.

He waits at the doorway, watching her fidget around and pull plates together. He can hear the buzz of some random Asian melodrama Mack’s watching in the living room. His dad’s not home yet, caught up with a conference or something. He hadn’t bothered to pay much attention to his mom’s droning. He knows how demanding work can be.

It takes him a moment to get through the trance of thoughts and walk over to his mother. She expresses her gratitude by smiling bigger when he starts on the salad that she’d pushed aside but doesn’t say anything. It’s how they interact and it feels like before, less tension and more… _free._ The silence, he finds to his amazement, is comforting.

“I missed you.”

The words hit him like a whiplash. He keeps his eyes on his hands as he feels her gaze cutting through him. He chokes on the next breath, feels how tight his throat is right now. Not because those words surprise him; they don’t. He’s used to his mother being open all the time.

It’s just…he doesn’t know how he’s expected to respond to that. What does she want him to say?

“I know.” It’s a whisper and it doesn’t mean much. It’s too weak and he hopes she doesn’t pick up on that. He continues, tries to cover up the holes he’d suddenly created with his words. “And you must’ve missed me a _lot_ to ignore the real deal. You haven’t even brought it up, not even once.”

There’s something in her eyes when she replies. “Aren’t you supposed to be glad?”

He shrugs.

She chuckles dryly as she turns back to the dishes laid out before her. They stay quiet, the running water from the tap filling the air with the _thunk thunk_ of the knife in his hands as it peels off slices of onions. The oven beeps and she puts the last plate in.

“We’re trying to give you some space, honey. You just got here, after such a long time.” She tells him, her tone sinking low. “And anyway, we’ve got a lot of time in our hands.”

He doesn’t reply. He finishes with the salad and proceeds to help his mother get everything ready. He leaves when she turns her attention to the mustard sauce Mack had wanted before. It’s strangely easy to ignore the fact that it feels more like he’s escaping.

 

 

\---

 

 

He slumps on the floor once he has the door locked.

His room’s empty. He hadn’t bothered to unpack when he got here. It lay cold and forgotten. Like a tomb. Except for his reading table and a barren shelf, the bed’s the only furniture it has. And that simply intensified how _dead_ it was. It wasn’t even the room he’d left behind all those years ago. Everything’s gone, sucked dry and yanked out from its hold and that had left it scathed out. Jensen couldn’t even recognize it.

Most of the time when he’s stuck in here, he snaps on in headphones and let the music scream in his ears. Let it sway him, let it push him around and sometimes he doesn’t stop till his senses contract and his brain stops working. He goes on for hours, moving furiously till he’s sweating and aching and cramping; the time rushes by- fast, unforgiving- as he moves his way through it. It’s like an adrenaline rush, exhilarating, consuming. It’s power hungry and _too much_ , air too heavy, vision too sharp and everything hurts and that’s the best part.

He can never stop. He never _wants_ to.

It helps to take his mind off things. How hollow it had been to be reunited with his family, how untrue and full of gaps. The unbalanced need to stick with his decisions and the indecision, itself, taking up half of his mind in a bloodied fist fight. The sheer dominance of the need for being a part of that life that he’d thrown away long before he’d even lived it. The desperation and the yearning and everything else in-between. Sometimes it gets too much and sometimes it’s all he has left. And he chooses to run away.

His head falls back against the wooden frame and he swallows. Silence shrieks around him and it’s dizzying. He doesn’t want to move now, wants to fall asleep right here and wait for the end.

“Jensen, honey, dinner’s ready.” He can hear his mother shout from downstairs. He doesn’t reply. The wall-clock ticks on overhead and he allows it to slowly lull him to unconsciousness.

 

 

\---

 

 

 

 

 

Jared pulls the duffel bag on his lap and brings out his flask. He gulps it down and caps it back up, letting it rest in his hands as he looks over at Cindy. She’s chatting with a pair of girls, throwing her head back sometimes and laughing out loud. He pouts absentmindedly. He’s early today and he doubts Cindy has even noticed him. She keeps on talking to them and he sits cross-legged on the ground, waiting for the classes to start. Everyone’s here already but the instructors haven’t come in yet.

Small groups are scattered around the studio, talking and joking around and it seems he’s the only one who’s pressed back against the wall, all by himself. He plays with the flask in his grasp and watches the participants. It’s nice to see so many smiles on so many faces all at once. It brings back some of the warmth to the melancholic mood the weather’s settled over him.

It’s been stormy since the second he woke up. The sky’s dark and grey, cloudy and growling whenever the light flashes. He’d had to switch on all the tubelights of his apartment and according to that show he’d been listening to on the radio during breakfast, a storm’s approaching some random place close to Dallas. Hopefully his family would be alright.

“You’re early.” Cindy’s voice is suddenly there, eerily calm and it kind of creeps him out a little. She was pissed last night. Especially after the crappy lie about missing his parents. She hadn’t believed a single thing he’d told her. She’d driven him home and had left without a goodbye. She hadn’t even answered his calls.

“Yeah.” He sounds exhausted. And, anyway, what else could he say to her?

“How’re you feeling?”

He glimpses at her and finds her sitting beside him, hugging her legs to her chest. She’s eyeing him warily but her expression’s normal. He gawks at her for a minute.

“Weren’t you mad at me?” He lamely asks and the smile she gives him seems genuine.

“I _was._ ” She tells him softly. “But I guess I was over-reacting. It’s like, lately, I’ve been taking it all out on you. Everything that ticks me off, everything that’s going wrong with me, I just dump it all on you. That makes me sort of a horrible friend, huh?”

She’s still smiling. And he heaves out a sigh of relief. “Apology accepted.”

She chuckles.

“Mom called yesterday.” He speaks conversationally. “Meg’s got this huge part in her high school play and she wants me to come and see it.”

“That’s great. When’s the play?”

“After two months. Apparently there’s an exam coming up and they won’t be able to rehearse much because of it.” He shrugs and Cindy nods.

“You’re coming, right?” Jared doesn’t know why but his words are uncertain and his voice timid.

She purses her lips. “Don’t you want _Chad_ to be there instead?”

He instantly shakes his head, floppy hair twirling into a mussed up mess and strands draping over his eyes. “ _No._ Why would I want that? Who’s Chad, anyway? I don’t know any _Chad_.”

She smiles cheekily. “Tell your mom to bake her lemon pie for me.”

Jared grins back.

 

 

\---

 

 

“Here’s the thing, guys.” Kevin shouts through the megaphone. “We’ve already repeated level one and that’s because someone here- and I’m not taking names- says we’ve been moving way too fast.”

There’s a soft mumbling amongst the participants, hums of negatives and objections but Kevin ignores them, choosing to carry on. Jared’s tired. He’d fallen behind with many steps these last few days and if it weren’t for Cindy, he’d never have been able to catch up. Practice hours at Cindy’s had been fun and maybe that’s how it was supposed to be. Maybe he would’ve been able to concentrate and make most of the dance classes if the _Ackles death glare_ didn’t like him so much.

After kicking him out from the car last night, he would’ve thought Jensen was going to ignore him this morning. But since Jared’s luck sucked ass, he’d gotten hit with a blast of superior smirks and death glares from the moment Jensen came in. They _had_ been minimized, probably because Jared had improved and didn’t need much help with getting the moves right; something that let Jensen focus on the other two pairs he’d been assigned with. Jared had shared secret smiles with Cindy throughout the entire class.

So, the more he felt the absence of those familiar eyes on him, the more he could zoom in on the moves the instructors showed them. It felt fairly easy to copy the positioning, the turns and slides and with time, he could do it without straining. This morning, the class had been… _fun._ With Jensen’s gaze distracted on some other dude or chick, he had got all the steps right and Cindy had even hugged him when Kevin had ended it. It had been simple, easy and a thrill. And for once, he’d been proud of himself.

At one point, he had accidentally locked eyes with Jensen and somewhere in the back of his mind, he’d wondered if he was going to drown again. It had smelled of fear, desperation to stray from the rut he’d barely escaped from and he’d slowed down a little. But Jensen had looked away before he could and Jared could’ve sworn there had been open amusement in those green orbs. The fraction of a second flicked by like a dream snapping shut and Jared had clawed his way back from the insecurity rather easily.

 “…so, a week from now, we’re hosting the audition for this year’s competition. We’ll be picking twelve pairs for this one and those who won’t make it this time can try again next year. The dance classes would continue but we’ve decided to add thirty minutes more to our routine. So if there’s any complaint, you can contact me.”

“Take a vacation from Genevieve, Jared.” Cindy whispers, bending close to him. “For a week, at-least.”

He shrugs. He’d been missing the recent lessons anyway.

“-we’ll let you know about the rest in a few days. That’s it for today, see ya’ll tomorrow.”

The mob disperses slowly, shuffling feet scraping across the wooden floorboards and low mutterings fluttering in the air around them. Jared watches them as he waits for Cindy to pack up her stuff. Small groups trot out the door and Jared trails his gaze from the exhausted, grinning faces to the content ones of the instructors. Jensen’s huddled at one corner, leaning back with his arms crossed over his broad chest and talking indifferently with a random guy. He looks around when the guy starts to say something, nodding stiffly and finally noticing Jared staring at him from afar. He blinks once.

Jared feels heat spread through his face and looks down. He glances sideways to catch Cindy squealing excitedly with the two girls she’d been talking to earlier this morning.

“Jared.” Cindy breathes out when she suddenly turns to him, her face lit up. “I’m so sorry. They’re having a movie night over at Amanda’s and she just invited me and-”

“-and, you’re gonna have lots of fun so you can tell me all about it tomorrow.” Jared finishes for her, giving her a small smile. “I totally understand how hard it is being a _twihard_. You should go right now before Edward Cullen gets tired of waiting for you to show up and watch him do it with some bearded raccoon.”

“You’re gross. And a dirty eavesdropper.” Cindy shoves at him playfully. “Definitely a twihard.”

Jared scrunches his nose. “Yeah, that’s why I keep my window open at night.”

Cindy snorts and hugs him again. She ruffles his hair and then turns to join the pair of girls waiting for her at the door. Jared follows after they’re out of sight. He catches Kevin’s eye from across the room and nods gratefully when the older guy offers him a thumbs up.

It’s different today. He kinda likes the change.

 

 

\---

 

 

He’s putting on his raincoat and watching everyone drive away when Jensen pulls his car to a stop right infront of him. It’s still drizzling like crazy and he can see a figure or two racing down the street to get under a roof. It’s mostly dark, grey shadows all around and the emptiness of the streets feel more like a blessing than a curse.

Jared ducks under the shed of the building he was going to walk out of minutes ago, zipping up his raincoat and squinting at Jensen through the water sprayed glass. The rainfall’s a beat he can’t get out of his head, loud and screaming in his ears and he half wishes it to sing him a lullaby right now. The fierce emotions that threaten to break out of him every time Jensen says something wrong is… _exhausting_ and he doesn’t have anything left at the moment to deal with that alone. He doesn’t really want to talk with Jensen, doesn’t even want to face him.

The glass slides down and Jensen crooks his head low to see him.

“Get in. I promise not to throw you out this time.” He cries out amidst the bulleting downpour and Jared leans forward a little to catch the words. “Consider this a half hearted attempt at making up for last night.”

Jared glares. “I don’t believe you. What’s up?”

Jensen vanishes out of his line of sight and Jared can see his silhouette slumped back against his seat, breathing heavily.  He observes the white hands on the steering wheel tighten into a fist. It takes a moment for Jensen to reappear in his vision and he leans over to open the passenger door.

“You seriously wanna walk home in this weather?”

Jared hesitates. Jensen could be joking- a huge possibility _._ Maybe this time he’s planning to dump Jared in the middle of nowhere so he’ll never have to see his face again. Or maybe he’s going to hand Jared over to some gang who sells drugs for a living. Jared doesn’t want to end up in jail eating some crappy excuse for a chicken and crying thick blotches of tears over faded, torn letters that he’d write to his family every night.     

Then again, Jared thinks as he huffs dramatically and gets in, he doesn’t want to walk home alone either.

 

 

\---

 

 

They don’t share another word. The rain’s hissing loud enough to rein in the silence but it’s still uncomfortable to just sit there in the dark. Jared peeks at Jensen hesitantly, looking away quickly when he catches the slight frown on the other man’s face. He stares at the swinging wipers and then busies himself in watching the shadows they reflect on his skin. It’s a blur by his window but with the darkness hovering outside, he doubts there’s anything worth watching anyway. The small droplets of water slithering down on the glass pane seem more interesting right now.

“Your performance was impressive today.” Jensen’s voice startles him and he glances at him in surprise. Jensen doesn’t return the attention, keeping his eyes on the windshield. “Kevin’s words, not mine.”

Jared grimaces. “You mean I suck, don’t you?”

“I mean, you’re improving.” Jensen says bitterly, like he’s not pleased with missing the chance to say _yes_. “Fast.”

Jared shrugs. “So’s everyone else.”

Jensen breathes out a low, humourless chuckle. “You’re different. First of all, with the way you kept messing up the last few days, we never thought you’d be able to keep up with the rest of the class. And your focus is too weak, you’re always distracted and lost and it’s so _frustrating_ sometimes that I-”

The pause is shaky but he recovers from it in haste by clearing his throat.

“ _I’m_ responsible for you and all your screw ups. Sampson’s direct and she’s better at concentrating than she’s at copying. But she’s good. As for the two other pairs that I have to put up with, they don’t seem to be having much problem with keeping up with the pace we’ve set for them, even though they both have obvious weaknesses.”

Jared’s forehead creases and he blinks, confused. “Why are you telling this to _me_?”

Jensen gives a blasé shrug in reply. “Because Kevin wanted me to.”

“So you’re not giving me a ride out of the kindness of you heart, after all. Or, well, guilt in this case.”

Jensen shoots him a look of disbelief. “And _why_ exactly, should I feel guilty?”

Jared snorts. “Oh, don’t get me started.”

Jensen raises an eyebrow. “No, please, don’t spare my feelings. Do tell.”

Jared’s mood deflates at the teasing tone, his mind flaring with his temper and his hands aching for a fist fight. “Why? So you can find another reason to hate me?”

Jensen glimpses at him for the first time. It lasts for a nanosecond but maybe Jared’s seeing things in the dark. Who knows? It’s not like he’s in control of what he’s saying. Well, he _is_ but he didn’t have any coffee that morning and he’s feeling a bit grumpy. Or maybe he’s just tired of guessing and wants some real answers for a change. And the shadow of the headache that’s slowly settling down isn’t really helping.

“I don’t hate you, kid.” Jensen sounds strained but his words seem genuine.

Jared resists the need to believe that and let it go. “Yeah, you do. You keep glaring at me and scowling at me and frowning at me and you don’t want me to go on but I’m going to anyway.”

Jensen sighs, like he’s tired and maybe he’s going to say something logical and sensible but Jared doesn’t let him. He shoots, tumbling over each word but not stopping until everything’s clear again and the storm’s over in his head.

“If it’s about that night, I swear we were just trying to help you!” He’s rambling, pouting and breathing fast at the same time. “You were unconscious and alone and maybe we were supposed to leave you there so you could- I don’t know- get run over by a car or something but that’s not how my momma raised me. And I know I defended that poor puppy but it wasn’t his fault, it really wasn’t. That’s how they get when they see you freak out at the sight of them, ‘cause they’re not used to such kind of behaviour; at-least not in _my_ neighbourhood.”

“Jared, I know-”

“And I wasn’t really friendly at first, I admit it but I _did_ try. But you just kept glaring at me like your life depended on it!” Jared keeps going, tuning Jensen out. “It’s not fair. And it’s your fault anyway that I keep messing up my moves. Fuck you for being so damn distr-”

“Will you _shut up_?!?” Jensen grits out, his voice laced with exasperation. He sounds like he’s scolding a toddler. “ _Goddamnit_ , Jared!”

The rain’s thundering in his eardrums when he quiets down. He can’t even hear his own ragged breathing amidst the sizzling downpour but it might have something to do with the pounding in his head. He concentrates on getting some oxygen back in his lungs before he risks a look at Jensen. The other man seems calm with the way he’s driving the car with so much ease but the tensed lines pulling at his face makes him look older, wearier.

He doesn’t say anything until he parks the car right infront of Jared’s apartment building. Jared makes a move to get out without a word but Jensen speaks up, stopping him mid-step.

“Take this.”

There’s a soft jingling and Jared twists around just in time to catch the set of keys that Jensen had thrown at him. He gapes at it whilst Jensen explains.

“Kevin thinks you can make it. The audition’s a week away and with the way you’ve improved, he’s sure you can do it. So he wants me to help you with your pace and your… _clumsiness._ You’ll be needing that for the extra lessons with me. Everyday. Four o’ clock sharp. And don’t skip lunch. I don’t want you passing out on me.”

Perhaps Jared’s supposed to say something in return, maybe he’s supposed to object and say that it’s not fair that he’s being given this advantage. Or maybe he’s supposed to go for another hug and then get punched in the face because of it. But his throat’s too dry and his body’s sagging. He wants to let his eyes fall close and just forget, forget it all till his mind’s a book of blank pages.

So he nods, gets out, closes the door and when he turns around, Jensen’s driving away. He stands there in the rain, watching the car disappear out of sight till there’s nothing left for his eyes to follow. He heads inside when it gets too cold.

 

 

\---

 

 

Jensen ignores him during the dance classes. He stays more focused on the other two pairs and even if he does stroll by him, it’s Cindy he helps out. Cindy’s thrilled at the attention. She doesn’t get any move wrong but Jensen shows her a trick or two with some of the steps sometimes. She’s always smiling wide when he walks away and Jared sort of envies her. He doesn’t want to acknowledge it, doesn’t even want to think about it, so he just tries to seem happy for her. She doesn’t notice when he fails.

It’s different in the afternoon classes. Jensen’s eyes follow him intently and sometimes Jared wants to wait for the guy to blink, just to get rid off the itch that keeps nagging him somewhere at the back of his mind. It makes things worse, gets his mind off of the routine that he’s supposed to do and Jensen makes him repeat a step five times before he gets to move on. Jensen makes him try out new moves, difficult ones that are complex but not impossible and Jared likes the challenge. It’s those times that he _can_ concentrate and by the end of a lesson, he gets it right.

Jensen never reveals much of what he thinks about Jared’s progress but Jared gets lucky now and then when he gets an indifferent, gentle ‘ _good job.’_

Jared doesn’t like the private lessons with Jensen. Firstly, he has to stay alone with the sullen guy in a room blocked by four walls that now resembles a torture chamber in his point of view. Secondly, there’s no independence- it’s all about work and perfection and Jared hates that. He downright despises it. Thirdly, there’s no smiles and laughter like the ones that he sees in the morning. It’s like Jensen takes the whole studio down with the mood he carries with him when he walks in. Jared hates that part the most. It feels too dark and heavy; it never feels right.

The studio seems melancholic, sorrowful almost when he’s with Jensen. Sometimes it’s suffocating and sometimes he wants to make Jensen laugh a little, ease off that tension that always seems to be eating him up from the inside. But then he catches the twist of utter wrath on the other’s face and has to remember the step that he’s supposed to master in the next five minutes of the time he has been given. Never once had he thought that something he loved so much could make him feel this miserable.

And Jensen’s the one to blame for that.

 

 

\---

 

 

_“Jared.”_

_It’s a whisper. A low, husky drawl and Jared loves it so much that it’s almost painful. He’s lying somewhere in the dark, he doesn’t know where but it feels soft; maybe he’s floating, who cares anyway? There are lips- familiar and moist- travelling along his spine, leaving butterfly kisses in their wake. Jared arches up to them and then they are suckling on the nape of his neck and it tingles pleasantly. He laughs a breathy note that echoes in his ears._

_“Jared.” The whisper’s too low now but he hears it anyway. He knows who it is, knows the cerulean blue eyes he’s going to find when he reaches for him, knows it all too well because they are the only thing he_ can _see through the pitch black surrounding him.  It’s like he’s having a déjà vu. He’d been here and he’d seen this a million times. It always ends the same._

_So he doesn’t move, lets it carry on and tries to hold on a little longer. He doesn’t want to wake up; this feels too good, too right. He lets himself think of it sometimes. How strange it is that he knows he’s in a dream when he’s dreaming. But maybe that’s what happens when someone dreams the same thing over and over again._

_He stays still as feather light fingertips trail down his sides and then strong, calloused palms are grabbing hold of his hips and he knows they’re getting to the good part, can_ feel _it but it’s getting a bit too dark and hazy. His vision’s shaking and blurring and he turns around in a flash, reaching out so he could catch Misha before he leaves again. Yanks on the hand that he finds amidst the darkness, tries to get back the warmth of the body that’s slowly slipping away. Only…_

_So…green…_

Jared jerks awake like he’s been hit with a splash of cold water. He gawks at the ceiling emptily, waits for his blood to calm down and wills away the sudden rush that’s making him feel a bit woozy. The clock reads _3:08_ when he glances at it but it doesn’t stop him from hurtling up restlessly from the bed and throwing himself on the floor. It’s not too dark because of the dim light he’d switched on and he feels like throwing up when he finds his cell on the bedside table. He scrolls down the list of numbers till he reaches _Misha._

It’s late and he really shouldn’t call- he really, _really_ shouldn’t. But his heart’s racing, he’s hot all over and he _wants_ to- he wants to press _call_ really bad. The air’s crisp and quiet, his breathing the only sound he can trace and he merely stares at the familiar name on the lit screen he’s holding in his hand. He tightens his grasp for a minute before he lets go and puts it back. It’s then he realizes that it’s still raining outside. The drizzle doesn’t reach him, its volume lessened and it seems to be weakening. He watches it blankly through the window pane as he lies back down. When he drifts back to sleep, his hand rests over the edge of the mattress, closer to the bedside table. The dream doesn’t come back.

 

 

\---

 

 

“You’re not _terrible_ anymore.” Jensen announces out of the blue as he sits down on the floor beside Jared. “Congrats.”

Jared ignores him, drinking from his flask as his other hand absentmindedly reaches for the ipod in his bag. He’d give anything right now to shut Jensen up. After sixty minutes of agonizing mental pain from his instructor, the least he deserves is a break free from conversations with said instructor. He leans back against the studio wall, cursing himself in his head when he fails to find his ipod and turns to watch the scenery through the huge windows instead.

The afternoon’s drifting by like a lullaby and it’d probably be dark in a few hours. It’s a perfect setting for a long drive…or a short walk around the public park. Maybe he’ll be excused earlier if he plays nice and keeps his mouth shut. Jensen prefers it that way.

“What’s with that face?” Jensen’s teasing him again. Jared thinks it’s his favourite pastime now.

“…”

Jared’s not sulking. Of-course he’s not. But see, missing Misha with an ache that refuses to fade and not being able to have the guts to call him make him feel a bit down. He can’t help it. It comes naturally.

“You got dumped or something?” Jensen’s _still_ talking. He’s _still_ talking. And he’s clearly enjoying that idea.

“What’s it to you?” He’s supposed to sound rude but that comes out like a broken plea for help. It’s embarrassing and Jared wants to drop dead right now.

“I need you to concentrate on the _lessons_ , Jared.” Jensen tells him. “Not on some girl…or some guy…”

Jared whips his head around to look at him. “What?”

Jensen scoffs but doesn’t answer, choosing instead to grab Jared’s flask from him and gulp down a mouthful of water. Jared fumes beside him.

“What the fuck?!?” Jared cries, panic-stricken. “What the _fuck_?!? What the _fuckity fuck_?!?”

Jensen arches a brow as he practically shoves the flask back to Jared. “You’re wearing sneakers.”

“SO?!?” Jared screeches and realizes how hoarse his voice is. He checks his flask. It’s empty.

“ _Pink_ sneakers, Jared.” Jensen sounds eerily calm and it’s poking at him tauntingly. Jared doesn’t like the feeling one bit.

“ _So_?” That comes out way too weak and he thinks his voice is running away. Maybe he should start singing.

“So you’re either colour blind or gay.” He says it like it’s a ‘matter-of-fact.’

“That doesn’t even make any sense!”

“Your face doesn’t make any sense.”

“ _Your_ face doesn’t make any sense!”

“Stop talking like that. And what the fuck’s wrong with your voice? You sound like a piranha.”

“ _You_ sound like a piranha!”

“Seriously, Jared? _Seriously?_ ”

Jared wants to scream. And there’s still an hour left. He might as well text Cindy and ask her to start digging his grave.

 

 

\---

 

 

The cheers are deafening but he can still hear his heart pounding like crazy. He’s flushed all over and sweating bullets, the rush coursing through him feels electrocuting and he’s feeling light headed. It’s dizzying and his senses collide meaninglessly together, making everything blur out of focus and then scream at him like it’s the end of the world. He doesn’t know what’s happening but a part of him does; the part keeping it a secret till he’s out of whatever daze he’s lost himself in.

There are arms warped tightly around him, soft and familiar and someone’s shouting in his ear. There’s wetness on his shoulder and he realizes Cindy’s crying. He’s warm as she presses closer to him and then he’s being pushed around, getting clapped on the back and patted on the arm. People are hugging him and he hugs back, feeling elevated and _so damn happy_.

He finds himself in the backstage and he can’t remember how he got here from the platform he’d been dancing on minutes ago. But then there are roars of ‘ _congratulations’_ and he finally tries to hold on to reality and not slip off again. It’s over, the first round’s over and they’d made it. They got the green card and they’re through and he’s-

“We did it, Jay!” Cindy’s still crying and shrieking and clinging to him. “We did it! We made it!”

He spins her around and she laughs. Her face is red and so is his, he guesses but they’re both blissful at the moment and he couldn’t care less about what a mess he is right now. Cindy’s grabbed and pulled away from him and she’s lost somewhere in the middle of her new circle of friends and he’s suddenly standing alone by himself. There are smiles being directed at him and some loosely familiar faces even talk to him a little. It’s hot in the room and the crowd’s making him feel inexplicably overwhelmed.

He talks to all of them, laughs when he has to and when Kevin comes up, he gladly high fives the other man. It’s perfect and he looks around mindlessly.

He doesn’t find Jensen anywhere.

 

 

\---

 

 

It’s still raining a little. He tiptoes outside, ducking his head to avoid being sprinkled as presses back against the front door. He watches the parking lot with disinterest as he fishes his cell up. He can’t see anyone around and the vicinity’s mostly stranded. The hissing of the rain on the car rooftops drown out any other sound and he gladly soaks in the coolness of the slight breeze that runs by.

He can’t hear the screaming inside from out here and it’s a bit soothing. The heat and the rush he’d left behind seconds ago are lost out here in the rain. He smiles at the sudden change, blinking when a few droplets spray his eyelashes. He looks down at his cell and simply stares at Misha’s number for sometime.

He’d done it. It had started with a bump and had merely gotten worse with time. But he’d done it. He’d worked hard and it had paid off. Cindy had seemed so happy and he feels a thrill shoot through him when he thinks he’s one of the reasons that had put that look on her face. It just multiplies the greatness of the achievement. This is nothing- Jensen had told him that a million times. But it’s still a step closer to his goal and he can’t _wait._

He dials the number on instinct, a smile automatically lighting his face as he pulls his cell to his ear. It rings a couple of times, his heart racing through it and then Misha’s voice is there- inches from him. If it’s possible, his heart jumps up and accelerates even more.

“Misha.” Jared breathes out, his smile widening.

“ _Jared?_ ”

“Misha! I know this is sudden and you’re probably busy but it’s- it’s just that I-” His words are cut short with a sharp hiss from the other side.

“ _Damn it! Hey, Jared, sorry but I’ll call you later, ‘kay? I have to go.”_

He stares at the blank space infront of him for a while, his smile dying and the _beep_ still buzzing in his ears. He pockets the cell after an ephemeral minute and finally moves to shuffle back inside. He’d have to try again later. Or maybe he’d have to let this one go and wait for the end to call Misha again. Like Jensen had said, this was nothing. But he can’t bring himself to smile again. He blames it on the weather.

 

 

\---

It’s _5:13_ in the afternoon _._ Jared just sits there in the living room, listening to some stupid old love song in his ipod and eating the butterscotch cookies that Gramma had baked for him. The rain’s screaming outside and all he can see through the windows are a haze of grey and distant colours that he can’t point out because of the strengthening blackness that threatens to take over. The sky’s so cloudy that it feels like it’s going to fall. And Jared wastes his time waiting for that to happen.

His phone rings and he ignores it. Chad’s been calling him since that morning. He doesn’t know how the guy even knows about his audition, doesn’t know how he even heard the good news but the text that he’d send Jared was funny and kind of sweet. Jared had yet to reply.

Jared doesn’t know wrong with him. Cindy had taken one look at him when he’d gone back inside the studio after calling Misha and had pulled him in a long, tight hug. She had made him go home straight away. He should’ve thanked her but his throat had felt too tight and back then it had seemed like a good excuse. Now, it’s just makes him feel guilty.

He feels like crap. And he doesn’t know why. He falls back against the couch and throws his ipod aside. It’s sort of _still_ in the apartment. And it suddenly feels dead here- fake and utterly _wrong_ in everyway.

The rain’s still falling and his phone’s still ringing. And he’d had enough. He’d feel guilty later but he doesn’t care right now.

“Fucking quit it, Chad.” He grits out once he has his cell snapped open. “I’m not in the mood.”

“ _What?_ ”

Jared freezes.

“Who…is this?”

“ _Who do you think? Don’t answer that, I don’t really care. Just open your door, Jared._ ”

“Huh?” Jared cries out lamely, frowning in surprise. “Jensen?”

“ _No. Your fucking fairy fucking god fucking mother. Open the fucking door!”_

“You’re…here?!?!?” Jared whirls around, looking around his apartment frenetically and finally settling his frenzied gaze on the front door, feeling like a cornered animal with no route left to escape.

“ _Not yet. But I’m two minutes away. Make sure the door’s open._ ”

And the line disconnects. Jared brings his mobile down and gapes at it.

 

 

\---

 

 

“You look like crap.” Those are the first words Jensen says when he scuttles inside and shuts the door. Jared’s slumped on the couch, flipping through some random magazine as Jensen walks over to him and drops his bag on the floor by his feet. Jared doesn’t look up. He doesn’t know why Jensen’s here but he doesn’t have anything left to deal with the damn instructor right now. He should’ve gone to sleep like Cindy had told him to.

“You know you’re in trouble, right?” Jensen says blithely but his tone’s uncharacteristically soft. “You didn’t show up for the private lessons.”

Jared mumbles something incoherent under his breath and Jensen sighs.

“Look.” He carries on with that same inexplicable tone. “You were great today but keep your ego in check, man. This ain’t over yet.”

Jared can hear him unzip his bag and rustle around. He turns slightly and watches Jensen heave an old retro stereo across the small space and into the centre of the living room.

“What’re you doing?” He asks, curling into himself on the couch as Jensen moves things around without so much as bothering to ask him. Most of the furniture he had in the room gets pushed back against the wall, leaving the middle vacant and free.

“Making room for our lesson. I’m not wasting a whole day just ‘cause you’re going through puberty all over again.” Jensen answers like he’s talking to a first class dummy.

“I’m not-”

“And don’t bother to share your feelings with me. I don’t care if you’re going through some shitty high school drama or some fucking lame depression stuff- just…whatever. But I hate it when someone let these things get in the way of their training. You already have some serious problems with your focus and if you let something take you down _now_ , when you’ve come this far, I swear to God- I’ll kill you with my bare hands.”

Jared looks down, fiddling with the velvety fabric of the couch. He hears Jensen fumble around with the stereo that he’d brought with him. It takes a few minutes for the music to erupt and when it does, he lets the beat process in his head before his eyes go wide.

“ _Darin_?!?” Jared jumps up, his legs folding beneath him and his hands grabbing to the armrests. “You hate ‘m!”

“ _You_ don’t. And we’re celebrating _you_.” Jensen states with a shrug as he backs away from the sound system. “So, here’s your reward. I’m not happy about it but you get to lead today’s lesson. However you want.”

He turns the volume up.

Jared can’t help it. He laughs.

 

 

\---

 

 

Jensen hates _breathing your love_. The beat’s too fast and awry, he says. Jared ignores the comments he keeps on making and shows him a step or two which Jensen copies with ease. After ten minutes, it gets crazy and out of order. Jared just jumps and flings his limbs around with the beat of the music while Jensen stands a feet away with his hands on his hips and his face grimacing like he’s in pain.

Jared had opened the curtains and had switched off the lights, letting the feather light fluorescent from outside seep in and set the mood. Jensen breaks the rule now and then, taking the lead and showing a few moves that Jared attempts patiently. Jensen still criticizes but he keeps his rudeness tuned to the minimum and Jared doesn’t point it out, he just plays along.

Jensen reciprocates by letting his demeanour fall sometimes, copying Jared’s crazed moves and twisting those up into meaningless ones. To Jared, every second- jumping on Jensen and dodging him when he miserably failed to duplicate one of Jared’s made up moves and going wild for once with the music turned on- had been _unbelievable_.

Jared can’t remember any other time when he’d laughed so hard and had so much fun and even if he can, he doesn’t want to. And amidst the insanity of it all, he even got to see Jensen smile. Maybe this side of him won’t be there the next day, maybe it’s just a remedy to cheer him up and get him back in the game. Whatever it is, Jared doesn’t mind one bit.

Jensen promises to never let him be in charge again when he leaves. Jared just laughs. 


End file.
